Suffocating Darkness: Thoughts on Depression

by Karen on February 27, 2010

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It’s like trying to run in sand. You keep pushing, but the sand absorbs all of your strength. It’s like trying to scream underwater. You can feel yourself screaming, but all you hear is a muffled echo.

I used to think that depression was something that I beat, something that I overcome. I used to think that I outsmarted it, and it was something I was stronger having beat. But lately, it’s humbled me. I grew too confident, and forgot how such a powerful force had to be respected.

I still believe that learning to be positive saved my life. But, depression is something that I must work proactively to keep at bay. The ironic part of depression is that it’s nature is to deceive you. Much like addiction, the nature of the beast is to distract you from being aware of it’s presence. It’s sneaky, and manipulative. Your own brain fools you into buying into the defective thinking. Depression makes your world slowly close in on you. But it creeps in so slowly that you don’t notice it until it’s suffocating. You look up, and your world is so confined that there isn’t any room left for hope.

Since beginning my confrontation and battle with my addictive nature a few months ago, my old friend depression has crept back in. I know he’s hanging around when I start avoiding people, and fantasize of being able to stay in bed and avoid the world for as long as possible. This is hard to decipher from my usual introvert tendencies since even when I am most happy, I prefer a good book on a Friday night to a raging party. But depressive thoughts are characteristically negative and extreme. They speak to me in my own voice, and tell me that there’s no hope for progression towards my goals. They tell me that all effort will be futile, and they only see the world in black and white.

Despite it’s frustrating nature, depression doesn’t scare me as much as it used to. It’s like an old dysfunctional friend that I haven’t seen in quite awhile. I thought it had moved away permanently, but since it’s return I realize that was an especially naive assumption. Genetic disposition and biology are some of the most pressing factors for depression. It’s doesn’t care how much money you have, who you know, or how famous you are. It has a disturbingly unbiased approach, and happens to people close to you without you being aware.

Depression pisses me off because it makes me not want to be active. It takes away everything that gives me enjoyment. It makes me not want to blog, and be outwardly expressive. It tells me that its hopeless to try because it won’t work out anyway. It tells me that I shouldn’t even start because it won’t work out the way I want it to. More than anything, it tells me that its not even worth it to have hope. And I know its wrong, but I believe it anyway.

The good news about depression is that it makes me grateful for happiness. I began taking my lack of depression for granted, and as soon as that happened it crept back in. I used to be so bogged down by depression that I was in awe of each time I was obnoxiously happy. I used to be so grateful in the moments that I was filled with inspiration, courage, and excitement. Because the reality was most of my life was filled with apathy.

The depression hasn’t been as all consuming as it used to be. I won’t let it have that power over me. It has just been sneaking in recently, and I’m deciding to write about my awareness of it. The stigma and the shame that surrounds it, much like addiction, shouts at you to not tell anyone. It tells you to be silent and keep it inside, while putting on a front to make sure people around you think everything is okay.

But putting on that front is part of it’s deceptive quality, and I’m not giving in. The truth is, its okay to not be happy all the time. That’s how life is. Change is the only thing that’s inevitable, so that must mean that ridiculous amounts of happiness are just around the corner.

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Girl’s Night Out: What Happened

by Karen on February 9, 2010


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Note: This is part two to the post Girl’s Night Out.

I spent way too much energy thinking of bad excuses, so that I could flake on going to my friend’s birthday. I thought of a hundred excuses, but I knew that I wasn’t going to use any of them. I had to go. I had to try going out sober.

This evening was the first time I had the chance to test run my shakily, uncertain and sober self. It was a group of friends whose relationship with me was not solely dependent on alcohol. The birthday girl was my old roommate, and although we used to party plenty of times, she was someone that I was completely comfortable not drinking around. And, she was actually one of the few friends that I had disclosed my issues with alcohol, and my recent attempt at having a different life, before many others.

This group was safe. They liked me and didn’t care if I drank or not. They weren’t people that enabled my defective behaviors, they were friends that I knew would act like they didn’t care whether I had issues or not. Real friends.

It was a girl’s night out for a birthday dinner, and a show at the local comedy club. I love seeing stand up, but I hadn’t ever done it without sucking down those over priced drinks that you feel guilty interrupting the show while trying to flag down the overloaded server for another. Maybe without that distraction, listen more to the jokes. Maybe my skin would crawl the entire time, with me eyeballing my girlfriend’s drinks and unable to concentrate on the comedian’s words. I was thinking it would be the latter.

I drove myself to the club. In my previous life, I always met up before going out at a friend’s house. This way someone else would drive, and I was free to drink as much as I wanted. And, I could get started with a few drinks under the belt before even walking out the door. This usually ended with me having to sleep uncomfortably on someone’s couch, where the lack of adequate blinds let light in as soon as the sun rose. This inconvenience didn’t matter; being able to drink as much as I wanted was always the organizing principle.

This time was different. I wasn’t as anxious as I expected. I certainly wasn’t as excited to be going out either, but I figured a comedy show is rarely a bad time.

We got to the restaurant, and waited 40 minutes for our table. We waited so long that we had to rush to eat. The packed bar side of the restaurant was that familiar, dark, and overcrowded. It seemed so unappealing, looking at it with my sober eyes. I just didn’t care to squeeze through the crowds, and fight for a table. I’d rather be at a bookstore.

I ordered water to drink at dinner. The reality of me not drinking ended up not being a very big deal. It was amplified in my head, as usual. I didn’t discuss why I wasn’t drinking, but no one really asked me either. The friend who’s birthday it was knew my back story more than anyone, and she was like the hub of the group. Either they heard about it from her or they didn’t care. They probably didn’t care, and I should stop thinking that everyone was thinking about me.

All of the girls but me ordered Jager shots to start. It didn’t really bother me. The hefeweizen that the girl sitting next me was drinking began to quietly whisper my name, and I had to turn and not look at it. I cheered with my water, and wasn’t really bothered by it. One of my friends turned down her Jager shot once it arrived, because she ended up deciding on a delicate salad to eat for dinner. The two didn’t mix, she said. I remembered that I wasn’t incapable of this type of thinking. This is why I couldn’t drink.

We got into the comedy club and they ended up having desert. We ordered one of each on the menu. Deep fried cheesecake bites almost made up for my lack of alcohol. Almost.

The combination of the waiter not really caring if we satisfied the two item minimum, and everyone else ordering at least one drink made all my worries seem worthless. Reality is never as traumatic as it is in my head. You’d think I would remember that.

My friend turned to me in the dark club before the show, after the waiter took our order. Not a word had been spoken about my dry behavior, and she said, “What’s it like… being on a diet and being surrounded by carrot cake?” I said yeah, kind of. Her attempt at empathy made me feel better, yet more alone.

I hope it isn’t going to always feel like going on a diet. I hope the carrot cake fades away, into the background, instead of whispering to me about how delicious it would be.

The truth was the evening ended up being somewhat uneventful. I didn’t drink. I made it through without wanting to scratch my eye balls out, and while having a decent time.

I’m avoiding going out again, for the time being at least. I’d rather go to a bookstore because there, the hef doesn’t whisper to me.

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Welcome to Dreamin’ the Life 2.0

by Karen on February 7, 2010

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I’m so excited and proud to announce an accomplishment of one of my biggest goals since starting this blog in June of last year: a custom redesign and installation of the Thesis theme.

Since I began blogging 7 months ago (wow, it’s been that long?!?), I have wanted a custom design and gorgeous header that really represents me and this site. I’m SO excited now to debut it, and incredible happy with the results.

My friend and Twitter BFF, Shannon Albert is actually the one that I need to give all the credit. I already knew that she was geekly-inclined, and way more techy than I, but her visual and artistic skills ended up blowing me away. True, it wasn’t hard to improve upon my incredibly lame previous design, but pleasing my perfectionist eye was much more difficult.

The truth is, I have been contemplating hiring a designer for months now, but procrastinated because of fear that it wouldn’t live up to my too high expectations.

Right now, she has an incredible opportunity available for anyone that wants to have her set up their new blog. That sounds so cheesy and infomercial-like when I put it that way… but the truth is I wish she had this when I was setting up my blog. I had no idea how to do any of it, and it took me days to do something that would take her hours… or minutes. Until the end of this month, Shannon is offering to set up new blogs with your own domain for free provided that you go through her affiliate links to purchase hosting and a domain. Since as you have to purchase these things anyway if you want to set up your own website, her offer is beyond invaluable.

Blogging is something that has changed my life since I discovered it last year. It sounds silly and too trivial to make that much of an impact, but a blog can actually serve many purposes. It can serve whatever aspect you choose: a creative outlet, a way to connect with friends and family near and far, a way to learn and explore your own thoughts through writing, a business, or a means to connect with people with similar interests that you would otherwise never met.

For me, my blog has fulfilled all of these qualities. The future for this little site makes me giddy and excited just thinking of it. I plan to grow this blog into a business, while still maintaining it’s integrity and the personal-development-through writing-about-my-experiences style. Monetization and small business development are still topics that seem to boggle my mind and confuse me the more I focus on them, but I figure that just like getting this blog up an running, I can do anything I put my mind to.

There is still some tweaking of this site to come in the near future, and new features that I am very excited about. This coming week, look for the conclusion to Girl’s Night Out, as well a new Site Review and mini-interview with one of the biggest personal development bloggers in the industry.

So, tell me in the commentswhat do you think of the design? What aspects do you like best, and what do you think can be improved upon? Thank you for reading, as always. I am ridiculously excited for what’s to come for Dreamin’ the Life in 2010.

If you are new here and have gotten this far, go follow me on Twitter here. And subscribe to get future posts delivered directly to you in box. :)

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The Art of Non-Conformity by Chris Guillebeau: A Site Review

January 27, 2010

If I could have an unlimited supply of any two virtues it would be: courage and determination. With courage, you are fearless enough to try anything, and have the strength to battle all of the challenges that life inevitably gives us. With determination, you work hard and have the stamina to achieve your [...]

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Everybody’s Got a Story

January 25, 2010

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One of the things that I am most passionate about is the human experience. I love hearing people’s stories, and I have a sort of addiction with seeking out the ones that tug at your heart strings. I am a voracious reader of memoirs, and obsessive documentary-watcher. My favorite shows are [...]

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Who I want to be

January 22, 2010

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I think life presents us with the lessons that we need to learn at just that moment.
If we aren’t capable of absorbing the lessons, it comes back until you can learn it.
After a trying, busy time at work this week, I’ve realized the person that I want to be. Some of the things [...]

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Girl’s Night Out

January 17, 2010

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My hair is straightened. The ends are curled, and falling just perfectly, despite its desperate need for a trim. Legs are shaved, and the cute outfit is all laid out on the bed. One of my best girlfriend’s birthday is this evening, and it seems to be shaping up to be [...]

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The Life Design Project by Robert Granholm: A Site Review

January 6, 2010

I’m excited to announce a new feature that will appear every Thursday here at Dreamin’ the Life: Site Reviews. Each week I will be profiling a site I love, or a new site that I have just come across, along with a mini-interview with the site’s author. I’m hoping to explore more interesting [...]

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Why It’s Okay To Do It Wrong

January 3, 2010

Whenever I write about my perfectionistic tendancies I spell it wrong. I spell it like I just did in the last sentence, like clock work, the same way every. single. time. And the cute little red line shows up under the words, telling me that I’m doing it wrong. So, I right [...]

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Oh, 2009. A Year in Review.

December 31, 2009

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I started this site in June of this year, after stumbling upon this post. And although I have yet to figure out how to live out of two backpacks on a globe hopping adventure, or even if that is my true goal, [...]

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