This is how I feel about complainers.
But we all do it sometimes. I do…more often than I’d like to admit.
My Mom told me a story the other day about how she got to work, and ran to catch an elevator door as it was closing. The woman inside kindly pressed the button to hold the door open for her. When my mom stepped in the elevator, the woman exclaimed, “I hate when I just miss the elevator by a second!.” My mom then later retold the story to me, telling me that she thought, “Wow, that’s a strong word to use. I don’t hate when I miss the elevator. It might delay me for another minute, but it’s not really that big of a deal.” My mom is a fellow crusader of positivity. We bitch to each other about other people’s negativity. Oh, wait. Maybe that’s not helping the situation.
Her story made me realize how much we complain to each other, in order to connect.
We, the floundering, striving human beings that we are, are on a constant quest to connect with one another. I don’t care how introverted, or hermit-like you are (and I certainly have my own hermity tendencies) when someone compliments you, or says that they can relate to something that you are feeling or experiencing, it feels good. Being understood seems to be an instinctual need… neck and neck with needing adequate food, water, and shelter. We want our families, friends, and other people in our lives to just simply get us. We all have a desire to be understood and sympathized with at the core of our being. It feels so satisfying for another person to truly hear what we have to say, or understand a difficulty that we are going through.
But, the truth is, so many of us are doing it wrong. The effortless way to connect with another person is by relating through negativity. I know I am guilty of it. And it occurred to me that this is the easy way out. I found myself complaining alongside a co-worker the other day, in order to let her know that I understood what she was going through. It’s too easy to just repeat the complaint that someone makes, and say, “Yeah, me too. That happened to me. I hate when that happened, it was so awful.” I have recently caught myself doing it with strangers, and people that are around me that I don’t have anything positive in common with.
So, how do we stop perpetuating negativity, even when our intentions are good in wanting to make another person feel better?
photo credit
Become more aware. Be aware of other people’s complaints. Be aware of what you say to those around you. Make a conscious effort to be positive. It takes so much more effort to respond with a positive statement when all that is coming out of a person’s mouth is complaints. But the effort is so worth it.
I found myself becoming the type of person that drives me nuts the most- the constant complainers. We all know (or are related to) at least one. ” Why does it always have to me? I can’t learn that, I’m too old. I can’t do that, it’s too difficult. I hate when this happens, and it always happens to me just when I need it the most.” The last thing I want to do is agree with a person like this, but sometimes it seems so automatic in an effort to ease their discomfort and we agree with them.
My intentions are good. I swear, they are. But, there are positive statements that you can use to show another person that you are sympathetic to what they are going through. Connecting with a stranger can just as easily be done with a positive statement- a compliment on what they are wearing, a comment on how beautiful a day it is. It just takes awareness. The thing that shocked me the most about this behavior is that I didn’t even notice I was doing it. The negative person that I was around brought me down to their melodramatic, bitchy, miserable level that I fell so fast I didn’t even notice.
But, now I am aware. And that’s all it takes. I’m shifting my efforts to connect with people with positive comments. And the amazing thing is that the constant complainer usually stop their diatribe. It is only possible to complain so long in the face of someone that never agrees with you. So, who cares if I come across as Pollyanna? 
Have you noticed yourself complaining in order to connect with someone else? Why do you think people do this so much?
{ 16 comments… read them below or add one }
I would also add that when people go along with cliches to relate it’s not a good thing. Complaining about marriage or your job or whatever…do you *really* feel that way or is it just easier to say something that’s been said 100x before?
Hii karen:)
Interesting topic.
and *bad girl* for complaining
I know, I do it myself also and then I catch myslef and realise what I’m doing and am disaapointed so change my behaviour again. It’s so easy to fall into the habit of complaining, so instead I try to fall into the habit of changing what I want to complain about so that I no longer need to complain about it:)
Have a great day!
Diggy
Upgradereality.com
I think it is about balance. I think you have to complain sometimes and share in the complaints for others. Its the crap that makes intimate bonds between human beings, more so than the good times. On the other hand you can’t wallow in self pity and bitchiness. We need to learn to complain and let go of the topic of complaint.
I agree that we need to be more positive in general, good energy should always out-weigh bad energy if we are to be successful and happy. I always try to think “Is what I am about to bitch about bad enough that EVERYONE has to know and be affected by it?” A lot of time the answer is no.
I could go on but I have a butt load of cleaning to do, (complaint) so I can move into my pretty new house! (positive statement) See balance!
HA! You’re brilliant. You might just be right about the balance thing… although I am conflicted on wanting to eliminate as much negativity is possible. I agree on the bonding thing… I’m sure you and I did our share of bonding by bitching about others!! I like the idea that it’s okay to vent or complain to someone else, as long as you are doing it in order to solve a problem. Having a goal to figure something out seems better than pointless complaining…
I usually feel bad right after I’ve complained about something. What helps me most of the time is to think that it’s not that bad and that worse things could have happened. After that I focus on something completely different and positive and that uplifts my spirit usually.
Hey Jesse!
I do that too… always think there are people in a worse situation than whatever problem you are facing, and it really puts things into perspective! Changing the subject with someone else who is complaining is a good strategy too… I’ve used that one countless time!
Thanks for commenting
I definitely feel like I used to do this A LOT. It used to seem like complaining was a great way to form a bond with other people, but now I realize that that isn’t a real bond. It’s based on negativity and who wants to have a bond like that? Now when I hear someone complaining, rather than join in, I try to steer them toward a more positive thought or to think about how I can (or they can) make the situation better. This is a great topic and I’m so glad you addressed it here!
Very interesting perspective that it isn’t a real bond… much better to form the bonds based on positive aspects. It’s good to know that someone else that preached positivity has struggled with doing this too!
I think that is called foxhole bonding if I recall correctly.
“hermity” nice word!
But its true, I feel like so often I give a negative response because that is what is expected, or thats the easiest way to “connect”. Take the weather for instance, people may complain that it is raining, and the fastest way to connect is to agree. Well what if you went the opposite route? What if you gave them all the good reasons for the rain? Would that leave them feeling more positive about their day? Me as a person? It is an interesting thought to ponder, and I think there could be a relevant experiment in there somewhere haha.
As always nice, thought provoking post!
I was pretty impressed at myself for making that word up… “hermity tenancies”. It sounds so gnome or troll-like… and amuses the hell outta me
So true about the weather… that’s probably the best example of how people do this!
Another good post. It’s very important to put a positive spin on things, especially when talking with others. It reminds of the saying: “If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all.”
Hey Karen!
it’s that balance I guess, sometimes I think we all need to say ‘negative’ things but I guess it’s when we don’t do something about whatever it is or hold on to it that it turns into complaining.
I loved this article. You’re right it can be effortless to connect with others with negativity it just seems the easy way sometimes doesn’t it ? I like changing the subject as a way to steer conversations…sometimes a gentle nudge does the trick doesn’t it!
Cheers Karen!
Jen x
Your article’s flow went the same way that I sometimes handle a complainer…. I do “the switch”. Sometimes you can relate to someone through their negativity then slowly change their minds for them through a brief conversation that eventually leads them to understand that complaining and negativity are a little ridiculous most of the time. Although its useless complaining and negativity that are really hindering. Once the problem has been fully realized into words, the next step should be trying to find a solution. When a person starts focusing on a solution, there is no reason to complain anymore… ahhh… progress. Have you seen Waking Life?
Ahhh, wise, wise, Sean.
I like the idea of getting someone on your side and then switching to a positive solution, instead of just useless complaining. I haven’t seen Waking Life… I think you recommended it to me awhile back. I need to rent it!
Complaining is an integral part of Mediterranean culture. If you respond ‘fine’ to ‘how are you doing’, they’ll ask you what’s wrong!