Facing Your Fears

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She ran up and down the aisles of my restaurant, exploring every corner. Her embarrassed parents kept their heads down, staring at the menus, in a little bubble of denial that they appeared to be quite used to. Her five year old feet tore around the restaurant, behind the front counter, in and out of the bathroom. She spoke to everyone about anything. She interrupted me trying to speak to her parents, asking me what was in the antique trunk that adorned our bathroom. “Are there monkeys in there? Can you open it? Is it locked?” After seeing that ignoring her would do no good, I changed my tactic. “There are monkeys in the trunk. I can’t open it for you because they will escape.” I said it dryly, over and over as she repeated her questions. She finally relented and tried to call me on the bluff. “There aren’t any monkeys in there. You’re joking.” Ha! I won.

She drove me nuts with her hyperactive behavior. She walked over to other customers tables and began annoying them with questions. She asked me random questions as I hurried to take other customers orders. She was a better form of birth control than any hormonal pill I’ve ever taken.
Despite her obnoxious, undisciplined, hyperactivity, something struck me about her.

She was fearless.

Real life hadn’t yet quieted that curiosity inside of her. She hadn’t been hurt or traumatized or disappointed enough to let it curb her inhabitations. Sure, she could use a dose or two of that, but seeing her fearlessness run rampant made me envy that spark in her. She talked to everyone about every though that entered her mind. I am at the opposite end of the spectrum: I overanalyze every thought in my head, before it is released from my lips.
I wish I could take a dose of her fearlessness. As we age, real life quiets that excitement and child-like energy that is so natural in children. Fear begins to manifest. Insecurity, self doubt, anxiety, and guilt begin to invade our psyches as soon as we transition out of toddler-hood.

Fear is a subject that hits a nerve with me. Self sabotaging behavior, fear, anxiety, worry, insecurity, self doubt. We all have it in varying degrees.

I was watching the new episode of “Obsessed” last night on A&E. That show gets me every week. First, because they are all crazier than me, so it automatically makes me feel more normal. But, more than that, I can relate to these people at a gut level. I don’t have OCD, but it is for the simple fact that I don’t let my fears get to the level of being obsessive, nor manifest them outwardly into physical compulsions. Just because my physical chemistry doesn’t channel my fears this way, doesn’t mean that I can’t relate to them. People who have severe OCD have lives all revolve around one thing: Fear. My personal history has been paved with depression and anxiety. Depression and anxiety both have roots in extreme negative thinking and fear. I guess the only difference between having OCD vs. depression is the energy involved in outward manifestation. I simply chose the lazy person’s disorder.

I have had too many years of my life controlled by fear and anxiety, and I don’t want to live that way ever again. Some days are worse than others. I’d be lying if I said that these issues no longer plague me. I have simply learned to build better coping mechanisms. And, I can confidently say that I am not depressed any longer. I haven’t been for a couple years. And every moment that I am happy, I am oddly more conscious of it because it wasn’t my default for so long. Now, I am excited about life and want to scream from the rooftops whenever I find something that excites me or inspires me. But, that doesn’t mean that fear is completely out of my life. It is still a daily battle.

I don’t want the darkness to win. I don’t want the fear to control me. We all see so many people on a daily basis succumb to it. I think insecurity and fear are the most powerful, debilitating epidemics in this country.

This leads me to the famous question:

What would you do if you knew you could not fail?

Right now, fear is holding me back. I have all these things that I want to do and I fear. I fear and I fear and I fear, and nothing gets accomplished. I want to start a self discipline challenge and I fear I will fail. I fear I will let myself down. I want to lose weight and I fear I will be hungry, I fear that I will put forth a lot of effort and sacrifice a ton and see no results. I want to get up earlier every day, and I fear I will be tired later in the day. I just figured out this new fear that I wasn’t even conscious of, but my actions showed me- I fear being tired. What an odd fear to have. I fear if I accomplish all of the things in life that I feel like I need to do, then I will be bored. I fear that having the perfect weight and life and productivity levels will lead to a life of habitual motions and be insanely predictable and boring. I have such an addictive personality, and one that thrives on the extremes. But part of me craves that stability more and more every year I age. I fear, and I fear, and I fear, and I’m frozen. Each day turns into the next, and the change that I desire eludes me.

So, I am going to start examining every decision I make by questioning if my actions are dictated by fear. I am plan on using the accountability aspect of having this public forum on my blog. I want to live a life not dictated by fear. So, I am going to do what I am afraid of and experience the consequences. I have a plan for a 7 day self discipline challenge that will be difficult. My next post will be my extensive plan for myself discipline challenge, and I plan on holding myself accountable to starting by posting my plans here, and chronicling my journey- no matter how hard the struggle maybe.

I’m tired of fear being stronger than me. And it’s time to make it take a back seat.

Tagged as: Fear, Inspiration