My palms started sweating, just a few minutes before beginning to write this. My breath is short. It scares the shit out of me to even think about writing something so intensely personal, so honest, my biggest secret that I’ve worked many years to keep hidden.
I’m an alcoholic.
And I don’t want to be. But, I know I am. Without a doubt.
And this morning I’m angry. I’m angry that I have to change my life starting today. I’m angry that I got dealt these shitty genes of being prone to addiction. I’m angry that my immediate family members didn’t get these genes, so they can’t possibly understand what it’s like to have this nagging pull of an addicts mind, constantly holding a shadow over your life in a way that others can’t see. I’m angry that alcoholism runs in almost every branch of my extended family, and I had to win the shitty addict’s lotto in my immediate family and get the gene. I’m angry that my immediate family had a meeting without me last week, and has decided to no longer enable my addiction. Actually, I’m not angry they did this, the addict part of me is. The real me is actually extremely grateful. The trouble with addiction is that the two parts of me are interwoven so closely that it’s almost impossible to know what is me, and what is the addict.
I’m angry because I want to continue to being a functional, hidden alcoholic. I’m angry because I’m scared to change. I’m angry because I am scared shitless to let my secret out to the world, which is why I am writing this post. I’m fucking scared, and I’ve learned from starting this blog just a few months ago that the only way to not let that fear control you is to face it.
Fear hates the light. It’s like a mold that thrives in moist, damp places. So, I’m showing it the brightest light I know- the public platform of my blog.
And it terrifies me to let my secret out to the public. But, I can’t write another post on here without being completely honest.
I feel paralyzed with writing on here because I am incapable of being such a hypocrite as to write a post on how to better your life in some way, while I am silently struggling with one of my biggest demons.
And I love this space of my blog so dearly, and the community that surrounds it, that I don’t want to continue being paralyzed. Which is why this needs to be written.
So, I don’t have any choice except to be open about it here. Which is ironic because the addict in me is violently screaming in my head, with every word I type, not to publish this post.
The addict part of my brain says, “Hide it. Be in Denial. Lie more. Anything to continue to feed the addiction.”
But I say, Fuck the Addict. I’m tired of it having more power than me. So, I’m starting my fight against it today. In a more honest and public way than I ever have before. Because that’s the first step to being stronger than it.
I want to continue on this path of self development that blogging enables. I want to continue learning and teaching and writing about what I learn. And this is one of my biggest, most difficult lessons. So, I need to write about it here. Although a big part of me doesn’t want to. I know I need to.
Once I hit the publish button today, I can no longer hide behind my secret.
I don’t want to be that person that people feel weird drinking around. I don’t want to be that person that everyone has to cater to and not drink around because I am too weak to handle it. But, I’m not too weak. The addict in me is. And I’m deciding today that the real me is much stronger than the addict in me. And it’s about fucking time.
The truth is, I can’t drink like “normal” people. It’s been almost impossible to admit to myself, but it’s beginning to get through my thick head. I can’t have one or two drinks. I want 50. I discovered last week that I can drink a 6 pack in an hour and a half, without it being difficult, or phasing me much. I realized the next day that this is not normal behavior. That’s just the way my physiological make up is, for whatever reason. No matter how much I want to be able to drink like a “normal person”. I just can’t. I need to suck it up and accept it, and start being more open about this.
The problem with addiction is that there are two types of people: addicts and non-addicts. People without that addict brain don’t understand it. I don’t think they are capable of it. My parents are two of these non-addicts. They care about me more than just about anyone in the world, and they worry about me. They want me to not be an alcoholic. They want me to be a thriving, happy, productive individual. And, for them, even more than myself, I am sorry that I am an alcoholic. Because I know it hurts them. Which is one of the greatest reasons why the real side of me has to figure out a way to be stronger than the addict side of me.
This is one of the most difficult lessons that I know I have to learn. And where it goes from here, I’m not sure. I don’t know if I’ll attend meetings. I don’t agree with a lot of aspects of AA, but I’ve also never tried it. All I know is that I am going to be more open about my struggles with addiction, and read every book I can on the subject. It will be a new topic that I will write about on here. I believe that information is power, and I plan on immersing myself in learning about my addictive side. I have to be smarter than it, I have no choice because it’s so powerful.
I’ve been fascinated with addiction for about as long as I struggled with my own. It’s ironic, but A & E’s Intervention is my favorite show. Dr. Drew is my hero. I’ve read countless memoirs on it, non-fiction books about inside rehab, and people’s stories about their own addictions. Probably because that hidden part of me can identify with it so much.
All I know is that I am going to start putting up a better fight. I’m tired of living with secrets. I’m tired of addiction having control of me. As it has for years. I’m so tired of it having more control than me. And if I’ve learned anything about self development it’s that I have a choice.
This is going to be hard. This is going to be fucking hard. I am not going to wake up tomorrow, and not be an alcoholic. I am going to struggle. But I am also going to win.
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Excellent job on being so brave and public. That took a lot of courage! I know so many people who would never take such a step and try to deal with the problem, especially so publicly. You should be really proud of yourself
When I was a teenager I saw the horrible affects of alcohol (in Ireland it rules all social events to the extreme; “normal” in Ireland would sadly be considered alcoholic in many places) through events that shocked me for life and put me off drink before I even tried it. I have been living a very happy social life, going out regularly but never drinking. When drinkers hear of this they try to “convert” me – especially when they are very dependant on it themselves.
It gives me great hope for those people when I read your post. If only more people could be as brave in admitting their problem!
Good luck and continue being a great inspiration
I woke up today wondering if this disease will kill me. I looked out for a website and Karen said exactly what I think. I can’t have 3 drinks I need 8. I worry about my health and what it is doing to my wife and family. She drinks just as much. What if she or I dies because of alcohol. Can I say it was worth it. No it is not. I am 47 and want to make it to 65. We can change starting now.
I think you are too hard on yourself. So you have a high tolerance for alcohol, why do you need the ‘alcoholic’ label? Why the need of perfection? How affected is your life because you enjoy a few drinks?
Both my parents (and grandparents) are drinkers that could be considered in some circles as alcoholics. But they have productive lives, healthy lives.
It may be naiveté from my side, but I don’t see from your post how alcohol has negatively impacted your life, for you to conclude that you need to do something about.
Oh my goodness. This floored me. It feels great to face up to what your strengths and weaknesses are. I’m glad you found the strength to do that, to push back the voice inside making excuses, and say “Enough is enough!”
Karen, I realize this post was a couple of months ago, you don’t know me and I have not had the courage to leave a comment on anyone’s blog before, I find it necessary to comment here. Your courage is to be applauded. My husband was an alcoholic. It took a long time before he was able to get through a day without fighting that demon every minute of every day, but he did it and you can too. Just admitting, not only to yourself, but to others (everyone in your case) shows a huge amount of strength and courage on your part. There is no doubt in my mind that you will make this happen. The road is definitely not easy but well worth the journey.
Again, I know you don’t know me, but if I can be of help in any way, please drop me an email.
To your success!
Karen,
I can offer no solutions, I can offer no quick fix. I can offer you my encouragement and support. Within you are great gifts and talents that were created to be shared with the world. That is exactly what you do with your fantastic blog. Your work is very important.
My demons overtook me at a time of personal weakness and confusion. Many years later I was finally able to shake free only after I was able to change my understanding of myself and what I was created to become. When I was able to see and appreciate my own divinity, when I really understood that my contribution to the universe was not optional, that was my turning point. When I found the Source of my strength, the source of my destruction never stood a chance. It’s as if I was able to see myself on a different spiritual plane, that I was here on a sort of mission to manifest that which I was created to become. Suddenly I was standing on God’s shoulders, here to contribute to the world what God created me to contribute.
I had a responsibility to the world and to God. An awesome responsibility, yes. But we are not given such responsibilities without the abilities to acheive them.
Me against my demons made my demons happy. But the divine version of me, and the divine version of you, are both stronger and more powerful than any worldly demon.
Whishing you a Divine Peace.
Peter
Karen, I am proud of you and send you my best wishes in this thing you are doing… I will keep an eye on this as I may have a few tings to confess myself! hang in there and in the meantime, I think I need a drink!//… sorry to say it, but we are all being honest here, right?
I will see ya in my thoughts, and add you in my prayers too…
Kandis
I personally go through binges. They start off like a few friends having drinks, but they lead to waking up on the floor, wondering how the dog is doing. I am female, 36, sexy as hell, and wondering why this happens.
Every word you wrote rung a chord with me, as an over achiever and alcoholic. I feel and felt the same way everyday for years now. I had my addiction under control since it developed to abnormal a few years ago but due to huge stress it has come back and I am looking for that strenght to tell it to fuck off too.
You have really helped me feel it is not me that is the weakness but the illness and that I can be strong, even though this post is a lot later than yours. Thank You
Hey all, I’ve been reading your comments , and I have a addicted beast too. im not a dummy ;I just cant have 2 or 3 . any way i feel like I have no will power . ps . im functional for work but not at home ….. why ..??
im scared to admit i have a problem as I wonder how it will effect my social life and my family. i am a silent drinker but i know its effecting those around me. i dont know when to stop i dont know what to do anymore
A lotta courage to admit and coommit. I too am an alocoholic as was half my family on my MOthers side. I knew it going in but thought it would not “be that way” with me. Well, I discovered that I have no control over alcohol. I tried to have “just one” to settle me down, then I end up with a half a bottle gone. Can’t sleep well, wake up feeling low energy and self loathing. So, I searched for the purpose of life. Where did I come from? Why amd I here? and where am I going after this life? I discovered that life is full of bessings, oportunity and joy. That is not to say that liveing without alcohol was easy. In fact, every once is while when I see an add for an Octoberfest, I can tasted the beer, miss the feeling but say to myself…It just is not worth giving up this higher level of live. The feeling good about myself, the freedom and not allowing alcohol to determine where I will go for dinnner that serves the best martini, or best beer selection.Hang in there. It is worth it!
“Fear hates the light. It’s like a mold that thrives in moist, damp places.” – What an amazing line!
Though I am not an alcoholic, I have attended a few AA meetings for my psych classes, and they helped me understand addictions so much better. I remember one member telling the group, “When I finally realized that even a hundred drinks wouldn’t be enough, I knew that just one would be too many.” While I have my vices, and constantly struggle binge eating, I can’t begin to imagine what it must be like to have this kind of realization about yourself. You are extremely brave in putting this out there, and will hopefully inspire others in the process – I wish you absolutely the best of luck : )
Remember that you are not alone. You do not have to face the darkness and fear alone. If you continue to be honest with yourself and address problems as they arise (with guidance from a knowledgeable sponsor) you will be reborn into the person that you be proud of. I am bipolar and an addict and a drunk. I lead a happy productive spiritual life (not to be confused with religious) I love helping others that suffer from the despair of this disease. Work hard, help others,be compassionate and kind and you will find out that life is amazing! I wish you well I bid you peace.
Joseph
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