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My palms started sweating, just a few minutes before beginning to write this. My breath is short. It scares the shit out of me to even think about writing something so intensely personal, so honest, my biggest secret that I’ve worked many years to keep hidden.
I’m an alcoholic.
And I don’t want to be. But, I know I am. Without a doubt.
And this morning I’m angry. I’m angry that I have to change my life starting today. I’m angry that I got dealt these shitty genes of being prone to addiction. I’m angry that my immediate family members didn’t get these genes, so they can’t possibly understand what it’s like to have this nagging pull of an addicts mind, constantly holding a shadow over your life in a way that others can’t see. I’m angry that alcoholism runs in almost every branch of my extended family, and I had to win the shitty addict’s lotto in my immediate family and get the gene. I’m angry that my immediate family had a meeting without me last week, and has decided to no longer enable my addiction. Actually, I’m not angry they did this, the addict part of me is. The real me is actually extremely grateful. The trouble with addiction is that the two parts of me are interwoven so closely that it’s almost impossible to know what is me, and what is the addict.
I’m angry because I want to continue to being a functional, hidden alcoholic. I’m angry because I’m scared to change. I’m angry because I am scared shitless to let my secret out to the world, which is why I am writing this post. I’m fucking scared, and I’ve learned from starting this blog just a few months ago that the only way to not let that fear control you is to face it.
Fear hates the light. It’s like a mold that thrives in moist, damp places. So, I’m showing it the brightest light I know- the public platform of my blog.
And it terrifies me to let my secret out to the public. But, I can’t write another post on here without being completely honest.
I feel paralyzed with writing on here because I am incapable of being such a hypocrite as to write a post on how to better your life in some way, while I am silently struggling with one of my biggest demons.
And I love this space of my blog so dearly, and the community that surrounds it, that I don’t want to continue being paralyzed. Which is why this needs to be written.
So, I don’t have any choice except to be open about it here. Which is ironic because the addict in me is violently screaming in my head, with every word I type, not to publish this post.
The addict part of my brain says, “Hide it. Be in Denial. Lie more. Anything to continue to feed the addiction.”
But I say, Fuck the Addict. I’m tired of it having more power than me. So, I’m starting my fight against it today. In a more honest and public way than I ever have before. Because that’s the first step to being stronger than it.
I want to continue on this path of self development that blogging enables. I want to continue learning and teaching and writing about what I learn. And this is one of my biggest, most difficult lessons. So, I need to write about it here. Although a big part of me doesn’t want to. I know I need to.
Once I hit the publish button today, I can no longer hide behind my secret.
I don’t want to be that person that people feel weird drinking around. I don’t want to be that person that everyone has to cater to and not drink around because I am too weak to handle it. But, I’m not too weak. The addict in me is. And I’m deciding today that the real me is much stronger than the addict in me. And it’s about fucking time.
The truth is, I can’t drink like “normal” people. It’s been almost impossible to admit to myself, but it’s beginning to get through my thick head. I can’t have one or two drinks. I want 50. I discovered last week that I can drink a 6 pack in an hour and a half, without it being difficult, or phasing me much. I realized the next day that this is not normal behavior. That’s just the way my physiological make up is, for whatever reason. No matter how much I want to be able to drink like a “normal person”. I just can’t. I need to suck it up and accept it, and start being more open about this.
The problem with addiction is that there are two types of people: addicts and non-addicts. People without that addict brain don’t understand it. I don’t think they are capable of it. My parents are two of these non-addicts. They care about me more than just about anyone in the world, and they worry about me. They want me to not be an alcoholic. They want me to be a thriving, happy, productive individual. And, for them, even more than myself, I am sorry that I am an alcoholic. Because I know it hurts them. Which is one of the greatest reasons why the real side of me has to figure out a way to be stronger than the addict side of me.
This is one of the most difficult lessons that I know I have to learn. And where it goes from here, I’m not sure. I don’t know if I’ll attend meetings. I don’t agree with a lot of aspects of AA, but I’ve also never tried it. All I know is that I am going to be more open about my struggles with addiction, and read every book I can on the subject. It will be a new topic that I will write about on here. I believe that information is power, and I plan on immersing myself in learning about my addictive side. I have to be smarter than it, I have no choice because it’s so powerful.
I’ve been fascinated with addiction for about as long as I struggled with my own. It’s ironic, but A & E’s Intervention is my favorite show. Dr. Drew is my hero. I’ve read countless memoirs on it, non-fiction books about inside rehab, and people’s stories about their own addictions. Probably because that hidden part of me can identify with it so much.
All I know is that I am going to start putting up a better fight. I’m tired of living with secrets. I’m tired of addiction having control of me. As it has for years. I’m so tired of it having more control than me. And if I’ve learned anything about self development it’s that I have a choice.
This is going to be hard. This is going to be fucking hard. I am not going to wake up tomorrow, and not be an alcoholic. I am going to struggle. But I am also going to win.
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Hi Karen
That must have taken a lot of courage to write this post and share it with the world! Thank you for sharing.
I am working through my own “addictions” at the moment using a technique by Dr John Demartini, through things that have been holding me back from living my dream life. I see a lot of myself in your article, about hiding my issues privately to live a functional life publicly. My life become polarised as a result
At the moment, I am working through dissolving the fears, shame and guilt, and labels associated with these behaviours, and at the same time, working on aligning the vision I hold for my life, and my hierarchy of values. One of the biggest fears I am working through is that I feel giving up something that has been with me for 15 years, like letting go of a big part of myself, my identity.
Drop me a line sometime, I’d love to share some personal experiences as I work my own stuff, and also give you a different perspective on working through your own.
With inspiration,
Adam
Congratulations to you for taking a first, VERY big step forward with your life. The raw eloquence with which you’ve expressed your humanity is both moving and deeply affecting. This post is the very definition of inspirational.
I wish you the best of luck in tackling this 2-ton gorilla, and as Baker would attest to, your blog and your community will be there to support you whenever you need it.
I’d say be strong, but you already are.
You cannot cause a shadow to disappear by trying to fight it , by stamping on it , by railing against it , or by any other form of emotional or physical resistance.
In order to cause a shadow to disappear , you must shine Light on it.
~ Shakti Gawain
Your words give me strength… even from someone that doesn’t relate exactly to it… we all have that SOMETHING. Thanks for your support and infusion of optimism
Hey Miche,
I do love books… thanks for the recc. I’ll definitley have to check it out
What you say about shame gave me a mini-ephiphany. I didn’t realize that my motivations for publishing this here were mostly to blow the shame away. It’s a needless emotion (like guilt), but for some reason addiction is steeped in it. Thanks for the ah-ha moment of the day for me, and all your kind words.
Hi Jay,
I amazed by how many stories I am beginning to hear, heartbreaking ones of losing family members to alcoholism. This just gives me more strength to fight harder, since it is so powerful Thank you for offering your support.. it is much appreciated
Hi, Karen!
I just found you through Jay at Porsidan, and the title of your blog post got my attention. I’m a recovering addict, too. Food addict, though, which is different only in the sense that we have to eat to stay alive. I can’t avoid food, unfortunately (although don’t think I haven’t tried!). I saw that some people left really long messages, so I don’t want to do that here. Just know that you’re not alone. Many of us have addictive personalities, and like Lisis said, we learn to manage them. Some days are harder than others. You’ll do just fine, and admitting you’re an addict doesn’t diminish who you are. It simply affirms you’re human, and an honest one, at that.
If you ever need anything, please email. I’d be happy to talk/listen.
~ Megan
You’ve touched many hearts with your post Karen. Authenticity does that. It also dissolves all claims of hypocrisy. Some of us, (me included), have traveled this road much traveled and know your feelings intimately. Many brave and human responses to your post say so. I’d like to stand united with your readers and say this. There are millions of people out there who need to hear from courageous people who speak from the heart about life. Men, women, and children everywhere are roaming the blogosphere desperate for real inspiration that comes from the soul. In case you didn’t notice……that would be you they’re desperate to hear from. From personal experience I would also like to add something. It is entirely possible your blog could be your “salvation” when it comes to dumping drinking demons. Here’s what I mean. Use it to speak with your true Spirit. Say what’s really on your mind. Be yourself….let your unique persona and its amazing one-of-a-kind character out. Remember that there are untold numbers out there who value you and what you have to say….just like all we readers who responded to your last post. Continue being yourself like this long enough and you may discover what I discovered. Being yourself is better than drinking. In fact, legions of people hide behind alcohol precisely BECAUSE they were afraid to be themselves. In your last post you have STUNNINGLY got over the fear of being yourself to get going on this fabulous path of growing human. Just keep it up. Bottom line? The world needs you. Ciao. John Duffield
John, that was a beautiful, moving and inspiring comment. Thank you.
Hi John,
Thanks for your touching comment. You put into words my purpose of exposing myself on here… and the way I see this space as a sacred place for authenticity. Thank you for your comment, it really means a lot to me.
Karen
Karen, I haven’t had the chance to keep up with all your amazing blog posts, when I started reading this one tonight and just was floored. Thanks so much for sharing and as 60 others before me wrote…. you’re an inspiration to us all.
Be well,
Ed
Excellent job on being so brave and public. That took a lot of courage! I know so many people who would never take such a step and try to deal with the problem, especially so publicly. You should be really proud of yourself
When I was a teenager I saw the horrible affects of alcohol (in Ireland it rules all social events to the extreme; “normal” in Ireland would sadly be considered alcoholic in many places) through events that shocked me for life and put me off drink before I even tried it. I have been living a very happy social life, going out regularly but never drinking. When drinkers hear of this they try to “convert” me – especially when they are very dependant on it themselves.
It gives me great hope for those people when I read your post. If only more people could be as brave in admitting their problem!
Good luck and continue being a great inspiration
I woke up today wondering if this disease will kill me. I looked out for a website and Karen said exactly what I think. I can’t have 3 drinks I need 8. I worry about my health and what it is doing to my wife and family. She drinks just as much. What if she or I dies because of alcohol. Can I say it was worth it. No it is not. I am 47 and want to make it to 65. We can change starting now.
I think you are too hard on yourself. So you have a high tolerance for alcohol, why do you need the ‘alcoholic’ label? Why the need of perfection? How affected is your life because you enjoy a few drinks?
Both my parents (and grandparents) are drinkers that could be considered in some circles as alcoholics. But they have productive lives, healthy lives.
It may be naiveté from my side, but I don’t see from your post how alcohol has negatively impacted your life, for you to conclude that you need to do something about.
Oh my goodness. This floored me. It feels great to face up to what your strengths and weaknesses are. I’m glad you found the strength to do that, to push back the voice inside making excuses, and say “Enough is enough!”
Karen, I realize this post was a couple of months ago, you don’t know me and I have not had the courage to leave a comment on anyone’s blog before, I find it necessary to comment here. Your courage is to be applauded. My husband was an alcoholic. It took a long time before he was able to get through a day without fighting that demon every minute of every day, but he did it and you can too. Just admitting, not only to yourself, but to others (everyone in your case) shows a huge amount of strength and courage on your part. There is no doubt in my mind that you will make this happen. The road is definitely not easy but well worth the journey.
Again, I know you don’t know me, but if I can be of help in any way, please drop me an email.
To your success!
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