My palms started sweating, just a few minutes before beginning to write this. My breath is short. It scares the shit out of me to even think about writing something so intensely personal, so honest, my biggest secret that I’ve worked many years to keep hidden.
I’m an alcoholic.
And I don’t want to be. But, I know I am. Without a doubt.
And this morning I’m angry. I’m angry that I have to change my life starting today. I’m angry that I got dealt these shitty genes of being prone to addiction. I’m angry that my immediate family members didn’t get these genes, so they can’t possibly understand what it’s like to have this nagging pull of an addicts mind, constantly holding a shadow over your life in a way that others can’t see. I’m angry that alcoholism runs in almost every branch of my extended family, and I had to win the shitty addict’s lotto in my immediate family and get the gene. I’m angry that my immediate family had a meeting without me last week, and has decided to no longer enable my addiction. Actually, I’m not angry they did this, the addict part of me is. The real me is actually extremely grateful. The trouble with addiction is that the two parts of me are interwoven so closely that it’s almost impossible to know what is me, and what is the addict.
I’m angry because I want to continue to being a functional, hidden alcoholic. I’m angry because I’m scared to change. I’m angry because I am scared shitless to let my secret out to the world, which is why I am writing this post. I’m fucking scared, and I’ve learned from starting this blog just a few months ago that the only way to not let that fear control you is to face it.
Fear hates the light. It’s like a mold that thrives in moist, damp places. So, I’m showing it the brightest light I know- the public platform of my blog.
And it terrifies me to let my secret out to the public. But, I can’t write another post on here without being completely honest.
I feel paralyzed with writing on here because I am incapable of being such a hypocrite as to write a post on how to better your life in some way, while I am silently struggling with one of my biggest demons.
And I love this space of my blog so dearly, and the community that surrounds it, that I don’t want to continue being paralyzed. Which is why this needs to be written.
So, I don’t have any choice except to be open about it here. Which is ironic because the addict in me is violently screaming in my head, with every word I type, not to publish this post.
The addict part of my brain says, “Hide it. Be in Denial. Lie more. Anything to continue to feed the addiction.”
But I say, Fuck the Addict. I’m tired of it having more power than me. So, I’m starting my fight against it today. In a more honest and public way than I ever have before. Because that’s the first step to being stronger than it.
I want to continue on this path of self development that blogging enables. I want to continue learning and teaching and writing about what I learn. And this is one of my biggest, most difficult lessons. So, I need to write about it here. Although a big part of me doesn’t want to. I know I need to.
Once I hit the publish button today, I can no longer hide behind my secret.
I don’t want to be that person that people feel weird drinking around. I don’t want to be that person that everyone has to cater to and not drink around because I am too weak to handle it. But, I’m not too weak. The addict in me is. And I’m deciding today that the real me is much stronger than the addict in me. And it’s about fucking time.
The truth is, I can’t drink like “normal” people. It’s been almost impossible to admit to myself, but it’s beginning to get through my thick head. I can’t have one or two drinks. I want 50. I discovered last week that I can drink a 6 pack in an hour and a half, without it being difficult, or phasing me much. I realized the next day that this is not normal behavior. That’s just the way my physiological make up is, for whatever reason. No matter how much I want to be able to drink like a “normal person”. I just can’t. I need to suck it up and accept it, and start being more open about this.
The problem with addiction is that there are two types of people: addicts and non-addicts. People without that addict brain don’t understand it. I don’t think they are capable of it. My parents are two of these non-addicts. They care about me more than just about anyone in the world, and they worry about me. They want me to not be an alcoholic. They want me to be a thriving, happy, productive individual. And, for them, even more than myself, I am sorry that I am an alcoholic. Because I know it hurts them. Which is one of the greatest reasons why the real side of me has to figure out a way to be stronger than the addict side of me.
This is one of the most difficult lessons that I know I have to learn. And where it goes from here, I’m not sure. I don’t know if I’ll attend meetings. I don’t agree with a lot of aspects of AA, but I’ve also never tried it. All I know is that I am going to be more open about my struggles with addiction, and read every book I can on the subject. It will be a new topic that I will write about on here. I believe that information is power, and I plan on immersing myself in learning about my addictive side. I have to be smarter than it, I have no choice because it’s so powerful.
I’ve been fascinated with addiction for about as long as I struggled with my own. It’s ironic, but A & E’s Intervention is my favorite show. Dr. Drew is my hero. I’ve read countless memoirs on it, non-fiction books about inside rehab, and people’s stories about their own addictions. Probably because that hidden part of me can identify with it so much.
All I know is that I am going to start putting up a better fight. I’m tired of living with secrets. I’m tired of addiction having control of me. As it has for years. I’m so tired of it having more control than me. And if I’ve learned anything about self development it’s that I have a choice.
This is going to be hard. This is going to be fucking hard. I am not going to wake up tomorrow, and not be an alcoholic. I am going to struggle. But I am also going to win.
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How long was it between when you wrote that to when you hit the post button? I bet that wasn’t easy to do.
Don’t worry too much. Just do what you need to do to take care of yourself. I’m guessing the response to this won’t be as bad as you make it out to be in your head
It was actually six months that I’ve had this post in my head… so it took a very long time until I had the courage to hit that publish button
And you’re so right… it’s always worse in my head. That’s why I had to let it out.
Bloody Hell…I am in floods of tears reading this Karen. You are a real inspiration do you know that? I really hope you do.
Thank you for being so honest and open. I really appreciate you sharing this on here and I know you can handle this.
Thank you and sending you big hugs
Jen x
I think it’s an accomplishment in itself to make an English woman say “Bloody Hell”… let alone come to tears!! Thanks for the support as always, Jen
Take care xx
Wow, really powerful. So gutsy. And by taking this risk, you’ve also just created a community that cares and will help you out if you need it.
I think a lot of people, myself included, won’t be able to understand exactly what you’re going through, but we all have our idiosyncrasies; our odd architectural angles that don’t see quite right and make buying furniture difficult.
All we can do is acknowledge them, cope, and then move forward, knowing full well that EVERYONE has something and in that way, we can all relate.
If you ever need a cheerful bit of encouragement, feel free to contact me!
Your words give me strength… even from someone that doesn’t relate exactly to it… we all have that SOMETHING. Thanks for your support and infusion of optimism
Congratulations Karen, the first step towards overcoming any problem is realizing we have it. My sister has been in AA for the last 20 years and she is just one of several people I know who feel that it has saved their lives. I’m sure you will get plenty of love and support from your family and from your readers. Too bad a majority of them cannot really understand your struggle. Perhaps you should at least give AA a chance for six months. After all, the program has worked for millions of people worldwide and there is nothing in this world that isn’t easier to accomplish with help. did you intuitively know how to create a website and a blog? Probably not, instead you learn from others, correct? Even if you decide that AA is not your best choice, I hope you realize that there is help out there for you. Regardless of what you decide to do, we are all proud of you for taking that first step!! Good luck and God bless, however you define God.
Woah…..what a post. First of, let me say that you are extremely brave and courageous to be putting this out there. You may think, what the hell, no I’m not….but you are. Everyone has demons they are fighting with, but most don’t admit it. Please don’t feel you’re alone out there.
If you’re going to be honest, I should be honest. I’m plagued with crippling self doubt, which is really probably just another word for low self esteem. No fucking idea why, but it’s there. I’m scared of failure. I’m scared of other people not liking me….it goes on. BUT, this is not about me…..
What you have done is made a statement. You are being true to yourself and you’re putting yourself out there. I think that’s the first step. Once you admit it to the world and yourself you are on the path to redemption and you are further along than most people living with fears, secrets, self doubt, etc and afraid to confront it.
I could say I wish you luck…but it’s not about luck. You will overcome this and I look forward to reading more about your progress.
One of my followers on Twitter just retweeted this, so I don’t really have any idea who you are or anything, but I think this is absolutely wonderful, not just what you’re saying, but what you did (and achieved) by posting this.
x
I wish you every success in your fight with this addiction and hope you have lots of people shouting support and encouragement every step of the way!
Much love,
Ellie
P.S. I will definitely retweet this link because I think that as many ppl need to see it as possible. The thought that your post could inspire so many more ppl is an immensely cheering one. Good luck!
Wow Karen, this is probably the most personal blog post I have ever read. At the same time, it is the first post in weeks that completely captivated my attention.
I know addicts. I know how difficult the struggle is, and this obviously going to be one of the biggest battles you have ever had to face. But I also know that if you make a promise to yourself to beat it, you can.
I mean look at the community you have built here over the last few months. If you can do this, you can beat that. And now you have a giant support system of people that want to see you succeed.
If there is anything I can do to help, please don’t hesitate to let me know, and just know that I am rooting for you, and I absolutely think you will prevail a better person because of it
I don’t know you, but I wanted to encourage you. You are so brave for writing this. I remember the day I looked in the mirror and realized I was a mess. It was the beginning of a hard journey, but it has been SO worth it.
I have been sober for 6 years. You can do it. I found a group called Celebrate Recovery that changed my life. You will not always be an alcoholic. You can be free.
Praying for you…
KC
Karen, this is an amazingly wonderful and brave thing you did. It is very courageous to open up to the rest of the world about the demons that plague you. It is even more amazing when you could just as easily pretend you don’t have a problem and we would never know the difference. I am really proud of you for making the decision and for opening up to your readers. We are here to support you and give you any help you need, at least I am. You can do this.
Wow Karen, congratulations on taking the first step. I’m glad you posted this… I know a lot people struggling to come to terms with the same thing.
One of the things that makes facing addiction so hard is the stigma and the shame associated with it. When, in reality, most of us are addicts in one way or another, be it food, gossip, work, drugs… anything, really. Part of addiction is habituated behavior to escape feelings, often to the point of self-detriment or self-destruction. So some addictions are not as apparent as others…
But putting this out there does a lot to dissipate the shame, and that’s really positive, because shame is a powerful force in any addiction, and keeps us bound to it.
I’m glad for you. I’d love to say that there won’t be any struggle, pain, or hardship associated with this. But you’re on the right path, and what you experience now that you have awareness will be for your greater growth. Remember this always: having an addiction doesn’t make you any less of a person. Acknowledging it and being aware makes you even more of a person, more real, and more alive.
When I was 23, as part of a commitment to self-discovery and changing my life, I quit drinking for a year. This was a big deal at the time because that’s what all my friends were doing, and it was sort of the thing everybody did. I noticed that I did not like the way some of my friends were, that I did not like the way I was, that I could drink too much for my size, and that drinking was stopping me from doing other things with my life. That year was the hardest, yet most rewarding, transformative year I ever had in my life. I gave up certain friends, I gave up certain identities, I struggled with myself and everything I was subconsciously trying to escape. It all came into the light and my load was ultimately lighter. I was freer. Clearer. More at peace than ever. I understood myself in ways I never could have before. In other words, there was light at the end of the tunnel. Light that was hard to see at times during the journey, but light that was always there, and was more beautiful than I could have imagined.
I know you love books like I do. I recommend Zen and the Art of Recovery for a different spin on things. I think you may enjoy it.
There are lots people here to support you, including me. Contact me at my blog contact page sometime if you want to talk.
-Miche
Hey Miche,
I do love books… thanks for the recc. I’ll definitley have to check it out
What you say about shame gave me a mini-ephiphany. I didn’t realize that my motivations for publishing this here were mostly to blow the shame away. It’s a needless emotion (like guilt), but for some reason addiction is steeped in it. Thanks for the ah-ha moment of the day for me, and all your kind words.
Congratulations, Karen. I know this wasn’t easy to write, and even harder to publish. I’m so proud of you, and admire you for being so courageous. Anything I can do to help you or support you, I will do gladly.
I lost both of my grandmothers to alcoholism, and watch some other dear friends and family members slowly waste away. I myself came dangerously close to becoming an alcoholic. I rarely drink anymore, and never when I feel like I “need a drink” or “could use a drink”, because I’m so scared of going over that edge.
Thank you for sharing so openly and honestly. Anything you need, just let me know. I’ll always support you as best as I can.
Love always,
Jay
Hi Jay,
I amazed by how many stories I am beginning to hear, heartbreaking ones of losing family members to alcoholism. This just gives me more strength to fight harder, since it is so powerful Thank you for offering your support.. it is much appreciated
Wow, Karen… I’m with Sean here… this is the first post I’ve read in a LONG time that really captivated me. I didn’t find my brain saying, “blah, blah, same old stuff” along the way. THIS is real, and I’m so proud of you for putting it out there.
We all have our things, our stuff we’d rather pretend just doesn’t exist. But hiding it just makes for a superficial experience. When you put yourself out there, and open yourself to whatever comes your way like this, I think you will find it much easier for others to connect with you and embrace you.
As for your addiction… you probably already know what you need to do to overcome it (although you may not want to). And the truth is, you won’t ever fully overcome it; you’ll learn to manage it, live around it, and keep it from creeping into your life. But you will always have to be careful, so surround yourself with people who understand and respect that… who want the best for YOU.
Thank you for sharing your heart with us.
I am amazed at your courage to post something so personal and yet so universal at the same time. I too have the crappy genes of an alcoholic family and had to almost completely remove alcohol from my life. On the few times when I drink socially I find my self fighting the urge to drink to excess….and sometimes not being successful. However I know that recovering from alcoholism is possible not just from myself but also from my dad. I also know it helps to try to recover at 26 as opposed to 40 based on those examples. You have coming to terms with it and being so brave at a young age shows how mature your mind is and that you grasp something that takes others years to understand about themselves.
My friend I am here…though not physically…and if you ever need an ear I can always listen and understand.
Umm.. yeah that picture of Coronas in actually taken from out days at the boat house. …
I didn’t realize that your Dad has conquered this. That was part of my thinking… I want to defeat this while I’m young. Thanks for being a an awesome friend, as always.
Just posting it means that you are ready to step up and deal with it. But don’t let the momentum fade. Leverage the community you’ve built to spur you into action. Find a way that everyone can help hold you accountable!
If there’s a way I can help, you have my e-mail. I’ll send this to a couple people whom I know have already fought this particular battle (mine was with a different form) and ask them to provide their insight, as well…
You are awesome.
Wow, very impressive. I can imagine how much it must take to dare publish an article like this. I doubt I would have had the courage to do so in your position.
I know that you don’t know who the hell I am, but feel free to shoot me a mail anyway. I may be able to help you in a very peculiar way.
Maybe not, but it’s worth a try. I am most definitely willing to give you what support I can.
I wish you all the best.
Shane
Wow. I understand. I, too, am an addict (painkillers). But I lack your courage. May you move from strength to strength.
You’re words totally moved me. You do have the courage, you just don’t realize it. It’s in there, I swear.
Hi Karen, it took a lot of courage to be so honest in public. With that kind of courage I think you can probably do, or change, anything you set your mind to. The accountability you created by posting this will serve you well. I commend you!
Kindest,
Jonathan
Karen, you don’t know me. But I get it. I understand this. And addiction. And, by extension, you. Make no mistake: it is a battle. To the death. To call it anything short of that is to simultaneously candy-coat and undermine one of the most difficult things a human can do. Remember that. When you find yourself knowing beyond a doubt that you absolutely, positively cannot go on without that thing that makes everything bearable–and you will find yourself there, many times, before you’re through–remember: it IS a battle. And battles DO taste an awful lot like shit. So don’t be deterred by the taste, the exhaustion, the fear. Most of all, do not be swayed by the illusion of hopelessness. Because that part is a lie. It is the biggest lie of all. You’re not hopeless. Not now, not ever. Remember that. Okay? Do it.
Karen,
I’m Jared and I am a grateful recovered alcoholic. There’s several different meanings in that statement. First, I’m grateful to be an alcoholic. I know that doesn’t mean shit to you right now, but I PROMISE you with all the being of my soul, that if you grasp this and move through all that comes with recovery, it will be the most amazing thing you can ever imagine. Now the “recovered” part. I wake up everyday with untreated alcoholism. My default setting, DRINK. That’s what I want to do. The difference today is the mental obsession is gone. Today I am recovered because I follow some simple rules, ways to manage it, like Lisis was talking about. Because I woke up this morning and asked for guidance from my higher power to help me stay sober, did my morning meditation readings, and got focused on how precious life is today. I know you said you don’t believe a lot of what AA is about, that’s OK, I don’t either. That’s why it’s so great. We can just take what works for us and leave the rest. Like the whole higher power “God” thing, we get to choose our own higher power. I can tell you one thing, I couldn’t have survived had I not found an amazing sponsor and the support I get from AA. Believe me, I tried it on my own for years and sure, I “may” be able to do it on my own, but I don’t “have” to.
I’m the only one who got the alcoholic gene in my immediate family also. But I’m the lucky one because had I never been an alcoholic, I would NOT have found the amazing life I have today. It just wouldn’t have happened had I not been desperate enough to seek a better way to live. I know all this seems too far out or overwhelming right now, so take it easy on yourself. Like the guys I sponsor who can’t seem to stay sober, they get all “I’m sorry I drank again” and I just say, “hey, that’s OK, we’re alcoholics that’s what we do.” I tell them just stay ALIVE and keep trying and I will always love you know matter what. God knows it took me many attempts to put together some long-term sobriety.
You talked about fear and how it hates the light. You are right on, for me it came down to one simple thing, “I’m as sick as my secrets.” For a long time I had all these secrets that were keeping me sick. The thing was, when I finally put them out there, I realized I wasn’t so “unique” after all. I was suffering from what we call terminal uniqueness. There is so much more to recovery for me than just “not drinking.” Hell, I could just “not drink,” that was the easy part, staying stopped was the problem. And until I really worked some type of a program and got some relief from myself, learned how to truly love myself, was I able to find that purpose in my life I had been looking for all those years.
Wow, I’m soooooo proud of you, and I don’t really know you. Just seen you around the blogs for a while. I recognized your picture on twitter. I will tell you something that helped me out early on in recovery, support. And not just something you’ll find here on the web, I mean real, physical people, in the same room as you support. I’ve been to treatment many times, and one of the things I did a lot the last time was take many moments all throughout the day and just STOP, look around, and tell myself that in that exact moment, everything was OK. I did that a lot! And I also went to a TON of meetings and realize I’m not the only one with problems and there are actually some pretty kick ass and amazing people out there who just want to help.
And yes there are a ton of books out there on the subject, but I so encourage you to attend some AA meetings. I talk a lot on my blog about how all the enlightenment and things I learn about how to live a sober life comes from action. Action and interaction with others. Now this is just for ME, but I googled alcoholism, twelve steps, sponsorship, you name it and tried to fix myself. But I believe you can’t fix a broken thinker with a broken thinker. And it seems you do as well because you’re writing about it.
I could write forever on this topic but mostly I’m just so proud of you! I want to hug you and tell you it’s going to be OK. We can do this!! If I can do it, anyone can and just do what you have to do today! Just stop and look at all this support here on this blog, and know that we care about you and just continue to be honest!!
I so relate too on how the addiction tells us NOT to do certain things. Alcoholism is the only disease that I know of that does everything in it’s power to convince us we DON’T have it. But as time goes on, my addiction brain gets smaller as my recovery brain gets bigger.
OK, I have to go now but want to get back to this and read what everyone else is saying. Feel free to check out my “about” page on my blog to learn more about my journey and PLEASE email me anytime about anything!
And the REAL kicker!! The one thing I didn’t want to be–an alcoholic–is the best thing that ever happened to me! But it did take some time to get to that point. But then all any of us have is today anyway, so just what you have to do today. When you get done reading this, or have thoughts of drinking, just think to yourself, “what’s the next right thing to do?” Maybes it’s brush your teeth or go to bed, concentrate on that and doing just that! This helped me get by a lot early on, just concentrating on the next right thing to do.
Jared
This may sound weird, but congratulations Karen, you have made it past a MAJOR hurdle, aknowledgement. It’s now time move on without the fear.
Like so many who have commented before me (you have built such a community here!), I feel something close to the struggle you feel. I hate to say that I understand someone else’s battle; we are all so different and fight and survive in so many different ways, and my struggle has been its own box of demons. But I am also just an email away when the struggle gets difficult to bear alone.
Keep being fabulous!
Hey Kristin,
I know… I am blown away by the community on here!!! It’s simply amazing. I knew I related to your writing in an uncanny way… from the moment I started first reading your blog. It is nice to know that someone else understands… despite the fact that it sounds cliche as hell.
What can I say, powerful. I have been where you have been, and can tell you that when you break those chains my friend, the dark clouds will begin to disappear and your life will take on a new meaning. I travelled some very very dark paths and at 39 nine I am only just starting to live my life. Rational Recovery by a guy called Jack Timperlly is a book that should be given to all addicts. please get a copy of it and read it. pass it on to anybody who is living in hell. I was a complete drunk for 20 years, destroying everything and everyone in my life. I had for years tried very kind of treatment offered to help me beat it nothing worked. I was given the book whilst doing a seven week prison sentence, that was two years ago I don’t drink anymore, and haven’t since the day i left prison. I can’t express how powerful the book is please give it some consideration. I don’t crave a drink, can go to pubs, no problem with others drinking in my company. freedom is what it gives you, no bullshit, no false hope a very easy book to read and understand that will free you from your chains. hope this find you in a good place
Karen,
You are so strong and so inspirational. It must have been very difficult to post this blog. I’m glad you did. Your honesty is commendable. Please know you have many readers cheering on the real you and wanting to hold your hand through everything. We will be here.
I am happy for you. I am happy you were able to realize this at such a young age. You have so much potential and now you will be able to harness it like never before.
I am behind you all the way and I know everyone else here is too. So, anything you need, hit me up.
Time to start looking up instead of your chin down. You have done something most people wouldn’t dare do. Congrats. Now look forward.
David Damron
LifeExcursion
Hey Karen.
I guess you didn’t get the memo that says you are supposed to remain too afraid to point out something like this. I thought everyone got that memo, but delivery isn’t always running at 100% transmission.
This is great material, as the others here have alluded to.
One thing that comes to mind is converting from one addiction to another, so that next time this one has a pull on you, you could use it as a trigger to build up a new addiction, like writing a paragraph. Then, for example, you would end up with a lot of written paragraphs. I have used similar to that before, so I had to bring it up.
A post like this has a lot of benefits. You get stronger, fear is basically squashed in some respects, and it says quite a bit about self-esteem. We also like it because it is real-deal material.
Why don’t other write posts like this? It is very hard to jump over that mental hurdle. We see the potential negative responses, or think about how we will be treated afterward, or think about who that we know might read it, or so on. In that respect, that quote from Glen fits right in. The people that mind don’t matter, and the people that matter won’t mind, or something like that. People who have good intent for you wouldn’t use this against you in any way, and they are the only ones who matter.
Post Of The Day, November 21, 2009 goes to you.
Hi Karen,
This very week I wrote about being addicted to Coca Cola and how I’ve finally renounced it and quit cold turkey. I’ve been clean for 7 days now.
I am sincerely here for you. I think you took the right move by telling your readers. We are all here supporting you with our love.
You have the strength to conquer this.
Karen,
I’m so moved by your latest post and by the honesty and bravery that went into writing it.
Look at the community you’ve developed with your blog. So many people are in your corner and I’m one of them.
Let us know how we can help.
Take Care,
Jill
Hi Karen,
I’m loving this article on so many different levels that it’s difficult to cover them all in a single comment.
Your approach, attitude and way of thinking in this article express some of my own misgivings about a massive heap of personal growth literature. For one thing, the whole idea of “if I can do it, so can you” approach to personal growth overlooks the fact that we each have different backgrounds and genetic make-up. This shouldn’t mean that we can never aspire to achieve what others have achieved, but acknowledging where our weaknesses come from is ESSENTIAL.
Otherwise, we end up blaming ourselves for not being motivated enough, or focused enough, or simply being dumb and incompetent, when none of these were ever the problem.
I love how you associate and disassociate yourself from your Addict Self. The very fact that you’ve managed to keep your addiction a secret, and still be able to provide so much value to the community goes to show that YOU are not your Addict Self. But, at the same time, you can’t simply deny that you have an addiction you need to battle.
I wish you all the best, and look forward to reading more about your victories.
Hey Karen!
Cool that you had the courage to write about this. There’s nothing to be scared about because you have a bunch of people who are willing to support you and help you out.
I know when it comes to addictions they can ruin your life it you let them. I’ve never been addicted to alcohol or drugs, but I was to something else for a year that nearly messed up my entire life. Just ike youre doing now, the only way for me to get over it was to confess it to the people closest to me.
I think the biggest problem with alcohol is that is starts so young, and we are conditioned to believe that when we are out, the only way to have fun is to be drunk. To some people, the habit sticks, and they drink more and more, even when they are alone.
Trust me, you don’t need alcohol to have a good time. Just drink water instead, its healthier. If you wanna talk feel free to mail me anytime.
All the best.
You are not a slave to your addiction
Just opeing up and being truly honest…has put you on the right path. Be proud of every single step in the right direction…My thoughts and prayers to you and your journey!
Bravo, my friend.
Been there done that. I just celebrated my 26 year anniversary of being alcohol and tobacco free. You can do it. No, I didn’t go to AA and I was still surrounded by people who drank to excess (my roommate jumped out of a fourth floor window in desperation), but I will tell you this, you and I took the step he never did. We admitted that we have a problem.
Let me know if I can be of any help to you in any way.
Oh, and another thing, it will be as difficult as you believe it to be. My third attempt was successful 26 years ago, only because I stopped lying to myself about how hard it is or will be. I totally accepted the fact that we have a choice, that I have a choice, and I chose to make it easy and permanent.
Hey Karen, I have so much respect for you for writing this post. You’ve already done more to fight your addiction than most people just by admitting it. Just know that there is a whole community of people here for you, keep that in mind when you are having a tough stretch.
AA scared the shit out of me for 6 months. I hadn’t drank but was miserable. Finally, I made my way into a meeting. And you know what? There wasn’t one bum, no one who looked like they belonged on cops, and there wasn’t a wife beater shirt in sight.
The people looked……. well like me. They looked like anyone who drank next to me at a bar……. someone I would drink with.
To quote Marsellus Wallace from pulp fiction with an AA twist: When you walk into a meeting, you may feel a slight sting. That’s pride fucking with you. Fuck pride. Pride only hurts, it never helps.
Karen, there is a huge power in stating intentions publicly. We’re all so afraid of what other people will think, and for the most part people want us to be healthy and happy. You’ve seen that here from your own community of friends and strangers.
Kudos to you for outing yourself. It will help you get the support you need and may be a beacon of light for a reader not quite as brave as you.
You’ve made a fearless first step by sharing your deeply personal struggle and admitting to yourself of your secret. Sounds like you have a caring & supportive family who will no doubt be there for you through your journey, and as you stated yourself, your choice to no longer allow it to control you will give you strength in your fight. We’re all here to support you.
Ken & Stacy @ WasabiBurger.com
Hi Karen This reminded me of a post earlier by Gordie Rogers at http://www.lifestyledesign4u.com. He was tired of being overweight and showed his pictures to the world. He’s now making a conscious choice to become more fit.
I think it was very courageous that you shared this with the world. It takes guts to admit that one is an alcoholic and I think letting it out will release some of the pressure. It is going to be a struggle, but it will be worth it in the end. I wish you the best of luck!
Excellent post Karen,
Reading it was like reading my own story. I quit drinking four days ago. I have a very addictive nature and didn’t like the person I was becoming. I work a ton and drinking has been my only release for many many years. I’m proud of you for writing this post and taking the personal responsibly to fix it. It’s been hard for me, but not nearly as hard as I feared it would be.
If you need to talk with someone who started down the path at almost the exact same time you did, drop me a line.
Jeff
@deliverawaydebt
Hey Karen~ I second Mr. Hooda’s comments, and I also think a mindshift from “denying yourself” to *honoring your Self* is useful.
You might want to check out the program at smartrecovery.org. I used a similar cognitive behavior change system to learn to manage my nicotine addiction. This approach just works better for me than admitting/claiming one is powerless. The key, of course, is finding what works for you.
I’d wish you “good luck” in this endeavor, but your success will have nothing whatsoever to do with luck. Victor or victim, it’s your choice. Congrats on choosing to publish this post!
Three years ago I made a similar announcement. I went to my doctors office and asked what they could do to help. I started taking a medication named Campral that very day and NEVER again had a craving for alcohol. There were no side effects (for me), nothing. I did follow up with a psychiatrist for the first year and a half. Since that time I have been totally naked to emotions, situations, and every other sucker punch and ecstatic moment we all have thrown to us. I’m happy.
Godspeed in your journey. It’s a much, much, happier one sober. Even the bad times, pain, frustrations, everything will feel better when you are able to actually feel them. Really, now that you want to stop, you will. Peace. I hope you inquire as to the med, it’s not the easiest thing to quit without help, if it works why not?
Terri
Karen:
Good for you. I commend your honesty and ability to squarely face this challenge.
The key to success in many undertakings is to get mad enough to do something about it, and then do something that solves the problem for good. Our lives are filled with countless choices, and our choices create the results we see and experience. When we understand this, we can see that we’re in charge of an awesome thing – our life.
I wish you continued courage to hit this part of your life head on. Better choices make for a better life.
Clair Schwan
I know exactly where you’re coming from, but from a different point of view. I grew up in an alcoholic home. Both mother and farther were. Mother Died of liver disease.
Family life was tough when every one was drunk. No food no love.
So I pray for you and encourage you with every bone in my boy to succeed at this, because I know the consequences if you do not.
Congratulations.
It looks like you’ve just taken the first step to improving your life.
Admitting your an alcoholic is the hardest thing to do for some people.
I’ve been clean and sober now for 10 1/2 months, the longest time since I was about 13/14.
I was an alcoholic from the very first drink.
I am an addict and an alcoholic.
I’ve been through almost every type of drug, woke up in hospital, nearly gave myself liver and kidney failure, woke up in jail and fucked up no end of other things in my life.
I admitted I was an alcoholic in January this year and I haven’t had a drink/drug since.
I’m proud of you for admitting it so publicly, you are not alone my friend.
Don’t judge AA until you’ve tried it, don’t judge AA by one meeting that you go to. AA is a fellowship of people that incorporates the good and the bad, there are good meetings, there are bad meetings. It’s all about the group concience, which can vary dramatically.
AA has intoduced me to a new way of life, a new freedom from myself.
I’ve met 3 or 4 of the most influential people in my life through AA. It’s the best thing I ever did.
I’m 27 by the way.
I’d love to hear from you and will offer you any advice I have gained from my relatively short period of sobriety. I have 10 months more than I have ever had. I’m not going to drink today.
Please feel free to contact me any time.
Good luck.
Karen,
I am so proud of you for writing this. Sharing your story will make it easier for you to overcome this difficult journey. I would highly recommend checking out my friend Jard’s blog, spiritualzen.net – he’s been through it. Also, even if you leave him a comment or shoot an email, I know he would love to give you some advice. He is an absolutely incredible mentor.
I am sending you lots of love & positive thoughts. You can do this!
Love,
Dena XO
Never mind I just saw Jared’s comment above — Exactly as I expected!!
XO
Hi Karen
That must have taken a lot of courage to write this post and share it with the world! Thank you for sharing.
I am working through my own “addictions” at the moment using a technique by Dr John Demartini, through things that have been holding me back from living my dream life. I see a lot of myself in your article, about hiding my issues privately to live a functional life publicly. My life become polarised as a result
At the moment, I am working through dissolving the fears, shame and guilt, and labels associated with these behaviours, and at the same time, working on aligning the vision I hold for my life, and my hierarchy of values. One of the biggest fears I am working through is that I feel giving up something that has been with me for 15 years, like letting go of a big part of myself, my identity.
Drop me a line sometime, I’d love to share some personal experiences as I work my own stuff, and also give you a different perspective on working through your own.
With inspiration,
Adam
Congratulations to you for taking a first, VERY big step forward with your life. The raw eloquence with which you’ve expressed your humanity is both moving and deeply affecting. This post is the very definition of inspirational.
I wish you the best of luck in tackling this 2-ton gorilla, and as Baker would attest to, your blog and your community will be there to support you whenever you need it.
I’d say be strong, but you already are.
You cannot cause a shadow to disappear by trying to fight it , by stamping on it , by railing against it , or by any other form of emotional or physical resistance.
In order to cause a shadow to disappear , you must shine Light on it.
~ Shakti Gawain
Hi, Karen!
I just found you through Jay at Porsidan, and the title of your blog post got my attention. I’m a recovering addict, too. Food addict, though, which is different only in the sense that we have to eat to stay alive. I can’t avoid food, unfortunately (although don’t think I haven’t tried!). I saw that some people left really long messages, so I don’t want to do that here. Just know that you’re not alone. Many of us have addictive personalities, and like Lisis said, we learn to manage them. Some days are harder than others. You’ll do just fine, and admitting you’re an addict doesn’t diminish who you are. It simply affirms you’re human, and an honest one, at that.
If you ever need anything, please email. I’d be happy to talk/listen.
~ Megan
You’ve touched many hearts with your post Karen. Authenticity does that. It also dissolves all claims of hypocrisy. Some of us, (me included), have traveled this road much traveled and know your feelings intimately. Many brave and human responses to your post say so. I’d like to stand united with your readers and say this. There are millions of people out there who need to hear from courageous people who speak from the heart about life. Men, women, and children everywhere are roaming the blogosphere desperate for real inspiration that comes from the soul. In case you didn’t notice……that would be you they’re desperate to hear from. From personal experience I would also like to add something. It is entirely possible your blog could be your “salvation” when it comes to dumping drinking demons. Here’s what I mean. Use it to speak with your true Spirit. Say what’s really on your mind. Be yourself….let your unique persona and its amazing one-of-a-kind character out. Remember that there are untold numbers out there who value you and what you have to say….just like all we readers who responded to your last post. Continue being yourself like this long enough and you may discover what I discovered. Being yourself is better than drinking. In fact, legions of people hide behind alcohol precisely BECAUSE they were afraid to be themselves. In your last post you have STUNNINGLY got over the fear of being yourself to get going on this fabulous path of growing human. Just keep it up. Bottom line? The world needs you. Ciao. John Duffield
Hi John,
Thanks for your touching comment. You put into words my purpose of exposing myself on here… and the way I see this space as a sacred place for authenticity. Thank you for your comment, it really means a lot to me.
Karen
John, that was a beautiful, moving and inspiring comment. Thank you.
Karen, I haven’t had the chance to keep up with all your amazing blog posts, when I started reading this one tonight and just was floored. Thanks so much for sharing and as 60 others before me wrote…. you’re an inspiration to us all.
Be well,
Ed