“The night is darkest just before the dawn. And I promise you the dawn is coming.”
~Jonathan Nolan (Screenwriter, The Dark Knight)
I used to be addicted to change. I used to love it, probably because it is such a wonderful defense mechanism. Moving cities, changing jobs. When nothing is stable, you can continuously have hope that a future change will bring the peace, happiness, or joy for which you have always been searching. The sad truth is that arbitrary change does nothing but distract. My problems like to travel with me wherever I go, in a neat little package of baggage buried well so that others can’t see it at first glance.
Yesterday, my brother was telling me why his girlfriend is the most wonderful person in the world. I tend to agree with him on this, because she is the nicest, sweetest, and well meaning person you could ever meet. He said that she doesn’t have much baggage, like most people. And the baggage that she does have is in clear trash bags.
His brilliant analogy struck me. I don’t want to have baggage. But since that is nearly impossible, I want my baggage to be in plastic trash bags. I want it to be transparent, my issues obvious to the people closest to me. Since we all have issues that we deal with in life- imperfections and inner battles that make up the essence of being human, I’ll settle for mine at least being in clear trash bags.
Since switching out my baggage last weekend from the traditional black trash bags, to clear plastic trash bags, I’ve been struggling with change. My proverbial shit is see-through. My toughest battle has been brought to light, for everyone to see.
This past week has been tough. I’ve felt off balance, forced to adapt to a spectacular change which eliminated my old, unhealthy coping mechanisms. I’ve felt lost, and searching for comfort. Searching for anything to bring me some ease, and peace since my old, go-to of drinking is no longer an option. I’m glad I forced myself to no longer make it an option, yet here I am. Stuck dealing with change.
But, the beauty of change is that there are endless possibilities. My future is now open ended, instead of being stuck in a fate of self destructive behavior that only goes down hill. Yet open-ended is also uncertain.
Making a big, proactive change in your life can be terrifying. The unknown tends to be what we fear the most. But, I’ll choose the unknown over a negative ending.
When something in your life is not creating the desired outcome, change it. When you change something in your life, something else has to replace it. My current battle now is trying to figure out what healthy, productive habits can fill my previous unhealthy habits. There is a hole from where I removed my unhealthy behaviors, and now something is going to have to fill it. That hole is empty now, in an uncertain transition period. But the wonderful thing is that it’s up to me how to fill it back up.
{ 14 comments… read them below or add one }
Hey Karen
I’ve thought about you alot this week.
The bags analogy is a really great analogy and I really admire you for putting your baggage into clear plastic bags last week. 
We all have that stuff, in some way or another, but putting it out into the open, is a courageous step. I want you to know I can identify with the addictive tendancies you talked about last week. I am mellowing with age, but definately have that tendancy to want to do everything I love right now, which isn’t always in our best interests. As you mention, you are getting to grips with what you need to be truly happy and are realising what is going to really serve you.
“But, the beauty of change is that there are endless possibilities. My future is now open ended, instead of being stuck in a fate of self destructive behavior that only goes down hill. ”
You’ve done that, You are facing everything head on and I’ve got a strong feeling that although life is tough for you right now, this will be something you look back on and are really grateful for.
Sending you lots of love and admiration
Jen x
I just want to say again how proud of you I am, and how much I admire your strength and courage. This is a hard battle, but you’re a strong woman, and I know you’ll be successful. I’m behind you all the way!
Me too! Me too! I’m super proud of you too! As I was reading this, I had a thought about what happens when we remove a coping mechanism: we tend to replace it.
Whatever it was that led you to drink as an escape in the first place, is still there (presumably). You haven’t removed the “sickness” just what you were using to medicate the pain away. So, what often happens, is people will replace one coping mechanism with another.
A classic example is people who medicate with food, gain too much weight, have gastric bypass surgery (so now they can’t over eat), and often become alcoholics, because the pain they were medicating with food is still there.
My unsolicited advice to you, during your transition phase, would be to work on what led you to drinking in the first place, and to find a healthy habit to take the place of your previous escape… running, yoga, writing…? If I can help in any way, you know how to find me.
Hey Jen,
Thanks for all your suport and well wishes… I think I could feel them allll the way from your side of the globe this week. I’m hoping that I’ll mellow with age as well… perhaps like a fine wine. A fine non-alcoholic wine, that is. (is there even such a thing?!?) Hearing how others can relate to my addictive tendencies helps me feel not so alone… so thanks for all your kind words
Thanks Jay! You’re so constantly sweet and supportive…
Haha… so are you and Jay now my official fan club?
You are exactly right… any addictive, or avoidant behavior is there simply to cover up negative emotions. So, the trick is to learn how to deal with them in a healthy way. Not sure if I have all the answers yet on how to do that… but at least I know the goal. Thanks for your unsolicited advice… wise, as always
Karen,
I love the clear trash bag analogy! This is a really beautiful, honest post. I can not tell you enough how proud of you I am. It is not an easy journey but you have embarked out upon it nonetheless. You are an amazing inspiration. I am so incredibly grateful to have you in my life.
Thinking of you.
Love,
Dena
Hi Karen, this post was very touching. It’s brave to have your baggage in clear trash bags, but freeing, too. I really loved the analogy as well.
What you’ve said about transition phases was really insightful and I think a lot of people can relate. That “empty hole” that needs filling… that you don’t know how to fill yet… Anyone who has made a real life change could understand that. But oh, how we run from that feeling, or “stuff’ ourselves with bad habits or behaviors just to avoid it! Bravo to you… count me in your fan club, too.
I have a reprint of an inspirational piece on transformation and change from Warriors of the Heart on my blog if you’d like to check it out:
http://serenityhacker.com/2009/09/the-parable-of-the-trapeze-honoring-change/
It addresses honoring that in-between place you talk about. It has helped me many times in the past.
Cheers,
Miche
You seem to be doing a great job of this by thinking of addiction as baggage, but knowing that this transition is a rough and rocky as it is, I just wanted to remind you: This is not who you are, it is only a part. It will likely always be a part, but that is all it has ever been and it is all it will ever be. Remembering all the other parts, both those that have been discovered and those that will be soon, helps make this baggage not seem so big or so heavy.
I can only speak from my experience, but listing out all the labels I can put on myself (daughter, sister, actor, designer, friend, woman, etc.), however mundane and dull they may be, helps me be reminded that addict is only one of many and that none will ever be me without the others.
In other news: clear plastic bags is a great analogy. Being open and honest with others is the only way to put people in your corner. How can they choose to be there if they don’t know what they’re in for. Despite how big and scary the baggage looks right now, look how many people stepped into your corner just because you let them know about it.
Hi Karen,
You’ve crossed one of the biggest hurdles of any problem and that is recognizing that you have a problem. As a recovering alcoholic, once I decided to address my problem/baggage I availed myself to any and all avenues of recovery… therapy, outpatient recovery.. AA support groups..there are a lot of theories on recovery I disagree with, BUT you come across a lot of creatively thinking people in the process that can assist you. As the old saw goes..”If you can change the way you think, you can change your life.” Be open to new ideas…drinking is like an old friend..you will grieve it’s passing, but in time new, healther friends will show up. >:<
change…we always fear it, and yet it is there every single day. I too am going through a major change in my life, and you were so right about the open ended being uncertain. I can go from fear to acceptance and everything in between on any given day.
I am an open book kind of girl. I’ve never had much trouble telling people what’s in my “bag”…I think it helps me, and helps them to be more accepting.
Good luck on your journey…change is good…if we choose for it to be.
Change….yes, it’s certainly scary. We get comfortable to certain patterns and ways of living. Change means going into the unknown. It means uncertainty. It means there’s a possibility of failure. However, change is the only way we truly learn and those who embrace change will inevitably succeed in life. This is certainly true for you! Congrats.
Karen,
Change is scary only if we resist it. Old Man Eckhart Tolle said something to the effect of, “All suffering is resistance to what is.” Very true, considering we only fear change because we resist it so much, which then leads us to fear it, and so on goes the vicious cycle. But if we just allow the change to happen, then the pain is removed.
Not to quote another one of my gurus intentionally or anything, but Marcus Aurelius once said, “Reject your sense of injury and the injury itself disappears.” (may vary depending on your translation). Same thing as Tolle, except with the removal of a mental label; stop judging pain as negative or even as pain and you remove the injury.
Thank you, Dena. I feel just as grateful to have stumbled upon you and your blog this year