Do What Scares You

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I’m jumping in head first tomorrow.

I’ve decided to challenge myself and do something everyday for the next 90 days. It’s something that I have been making excuses about, and actively procrastinating (that’s an even better oxymoron than jumbo shrimp). It’s something that I think would be good for me, yet I have been putting off. It’s something that scares me. So my solution for procrastinating? Jump in with both feet.

What am I going to do, you ask?

I’m going to 90 AA meetings in 90 days.

It scares me for so many reasons. I am committing to consistency. I’m not very good at consistency. Every day is, like, a lot. But since personal growth only happens outside your comforts zone, so I’m deciding to push myself.

This challenge scares me for many reasons. Lets review how.

• I don’t want to start it, and then not finish. I am a self proclaimed expert at this non-skill. I am scared to fail.

• I am scared to go somewhere I am not familiar with, alone. Over, and over again.

• I’m scared to be the “new-kid”, unfamiliar with how the meetings work.

• I’m scared that I won’t find the meetings easily, as I am quite prone to getting lost.

• I am scared that I will have to go when I am tired, and don’t feel like going.

• I am scared that I will have to deal with my most personal issues, and have to talk to strangers about them.

• But worse, I am scared that I won’t like AA, and I won’t have little baby Jesus squeeze me in his little chubby baby arms, and guide me into my perfect, new life, where not drinking is no longer a struggle and everything is shiny and happy.

Okay, I’m being a little sarcastic on the last point, but the idea that scares me most is… it won’t work for me.

But I won’t know until I try.

So, I’m giving it a shot. I figure I need to give this sobriety thing my full effort.  I don’t really have a choice.  I need to give the largest resource for alcoholics a try, and not judge it based on one meeting, or two. I’ll judge it based on 90. I’ve decided that if I don’t like it after 90 meetings, it’s okay. And, I swear, I’m giving it a fair shot, and trying it with the most open mind possible. Despite my negative attitude, and preconceived notions that I have about the program… Who am I to judge it if I haven’t even given it a fair shot? So, that’s my plan.

Starting tomorrow, Monday December 14th, I committing to going to a meeting everyday. This means I have to go to a meeting on Christmas Day, and New Years Eve. I haven’t not drank on a New Year’s Eve in ten years. My next 90 days will be occupied by a hush, hush, secret society, that most of us have heard of, but don’t know much about it’s inner workings: Alcoholics Anonymous. Every. Single. Day. 90 sounds like an incredibly long amount of time, when thinking about doing something that scares you each and every day. But in the grand scheme of things, 90 days isn’t all that long. I am lucky enough to live in Southern California, where apparently there is an abundance of alcoholics. There are a ton of meetings to chose from, in many cities all around me, at every time of day. And, I am going to try out many different ones. If I like certain ones, I am going to return. If I don’t, I won’t go back, and I’ll try out a different one.

I figure that I have to do what scares me, so that I won’t be scared anymore.

Last night I splurged on a nice, neat little leather covered journal for myself to take notes about my journey. It has beige colored leather, with small lines on the pages. I really can’t stand wide-ruled lines. And, it’s quite hard to find journals that are lined with spaces just right. But I found one with narrow lines, and little things make me happy.

So, since I like lists, here’s my plan:

• For the next 90 days, just focus on two things: going to work every day, on time and doing the best job possible, and going to a meeting every day.  Work, and meetings.
• Take as many notes as possible, in my new little journal, and writing on and off my blog.
• Be open minded, put myself out there, meet as many people as possible.
• Go every day, and keep track of meeting locations, times, the types of people there, contacts I make, and my overall mood and impression.
• Read, read, read.  Read the AA literature, and books by others about addiction.
• Simultaneously research non-AA methods, as suggested by commenters, such as The Sinclair Method, and Rational Recovery

This plan scares me, but even more than that it makes me excited and hopeful. I’m excited to do what scares me. I’m excited to put myself in a position to practice my favorite sport: people watching. As my brother commented to me a couple weeks ago while attending my first AA meeting with me, “This is better than riding the bus.” I love self improvement, and personal development, and ironically dealing with one of my biggest demons is an excellent way to experience this. I am excited to put myself in a room full of other people simply trying to do better. Those are my type of people, and for that, I am hopeful.