I don’t know how to do this.
I don’t know how to be the person that I know I need to be. I don’t know how to be emotionally healthy, peaceful, and happy. I don’t know how to be free of the constant inner struggle, of depression or loneliness, or over thinking and anxiety, or addiction, or the craving for escape or instant gratification. I don’t know how to be at peace.
I look at my Twitter stream, and it’s full of happy-seeming, new-agey people, spouting quotes of inner peace, and being in the moment. They make me angry, because I don’t believe that they all are happy. I believe they all want to be, but a large percentage of them must be hypocrites, like me.
I don’t know how to be that person that goes to a party, and turns down the offer of a drink. I don’t know how to be the person that has to answer the question that must inevitably follow of, “Oh, you don’t drink at all? Why is that?”
I haven’t decided on an answer to this scenario. Though I have run through what it will be like in my head 100 times already. I have yet to be in that situation, since I am still in the baby stages of embracing sobriety.
My brother asked me the other day in the car if I have had a drink since going to the AA meeting with him almost two weeks ago. I said I had. Twice. The words fell out out my mouth with an awkward guilt, and he responded by saying thank you for being honest. He doesn’t realize that I can’t lie to him. I don’t have a choice. The real me has pushed aside the addict me, and it’s winning most of the time. Except those two nights.
I told him that he was the second person to ask me that question, since becoming public with my sobriety. And, the first person asked me that same question only hours earlier in the day. Ten days had passed, and no one had asked me the simple question of if I had drank at all. He sarcastically replied to me saying, “Wow, what a great support group you have.” I think he was kind of amazed as well that no one had asked me such an obvious question.
The amount of support that I have in my life makes me incredibly grateful. I have an amazing, loving family that all want the best for me. But I still feel completely alone while surrounded by them. They don’t understand, and after struggling most moments to not drink, I don’t have the energy to try and convince them how to understand me. So many people have reached out to me with support surrounding this issue. But I just don’t know how to take the help. I don’t know how to ask for help. I don’t want to be that weak, that vulnerable.
A good friend of mine told me to call him any night that I want to drink. He was actually the first person to ask me if I had drank yet, only a few hours before my brother. I was incapable of lying to him either. He said that his is going to help me get through this, beat this. He told me that he’s going to ask me every day from here on out if I drank the day before. I smiled at his persistence at wanting to save me, but he didn’t understand that every night I struggle. Every time I have to handle a negative emotion, I want to run in the other direction and drink it away. I have that devil on my shoulder, that is the addict in me, and it is constantly whispering in my ear. I can’t call him every time that devil whispers, because he never fucking shuts up, and I would use up all my minutes on my cell phone plan. I’m just hoping that the whispering will grow quieter over time, until I eventually don’t have to listen to it all the time.
Tonight was difficult. My co-worker called me in my last hour of work to meet her at the liquor store next door, so that I could buy her alcohol. She lives around the corner from the restaurant where we both work. I’ve done this half a dozen times for her before. She asked me to come over to the party and bon-fire at her house, since it was her twentieth birthday. I said I couldn’t, and made up some pathetic excuse. I could have told her that I couldn’t buy her alcohol, but she is one of the people in my life that doesn’t know yet that I’m trying to not drink. It would be too much to explain at that moment. And really, I don’t mind doing it. I just mind being the person that can’t go to a party because I am incapable of drinking like a normal person.
I’m having to change so many routines that I didn’t know were so ingrained. I usually stop at that same liquor store after work, and buy a six-pack. And now I can’t do that any more. Tonight I bought her 30 beers, and a bottle of liquor for the party. It’s amazing how when you stop doing something, you become hyper aware of it, like never before. Whenever you start your new diet on January 1st, suddenly there are Carl’s Jr. commercials, showing juicy burgers on every other fucking channel. This past week, I’ve noticed how Bud Light has billboards on every corner. I used to like to drink Bud Light.
So, I couldn’t go over to my friend’s party tonight. I don’t know how to be that person that doesn’t drink. I feel like a bad friend for not hanging out on her birthday, but I just can’t. I don’t want to do what I have done so many other times with her. I go hang out, and drink as much as I would like. Sometimes I drive home, after having five beers, because I tell myself that I’m fine since I haven’t had six yet. I don’t want to be that person anymore.
Both of my friend’s parent are alcoholics. And her two sisters that are my age are hang out with us a lot. Her whole family drinks to the point of slurring words, or passing out. And I love her family. They are all awesome people, but I’m also sure it’s because I liked being in a household that sees drinking to excess as normal.
The homeless guy that lives outside my restaurant began to beg us for money on the way to the car. I’ve watched him and another middle aged man let their addictions ruin their lives for the past two years that I have worked there. They live in the alleys around my work. They dig for cigarette butts in the ash trays, and beg outside the liquor store for money to buy their next 40. They are what our society thinks of when we utter the word alcoholic. Not me. But the only difference between them and me is that they are losing their battle to an incredibly powerful addiction.
I don’t know how to be that person that doesn’t drink. But at least I am for tonight.
{ 25 comments… read them below or add one }
Hey,
I doubt very much that all those new-agey people are happy and blissful 24/7. I’ve met a bunch of them and they are human beings like the rest of us, sometimes sad, frustrated, angry petty as well as happy, elated and exuberant. Come on, I’m living on a tropical island in Thailand right now and I still get in a bad mood once in a while!
Although I never had a drink problem I went teetotal for a year when I was 20. Because people around me where only living for the weekend and I didn’t want to be drawn into that kind of thinking, just to see if I could and a bunch of other reasons. I now drink occasionally, ( 1 beer per week )
You’re right in that everyone questions why you aren’t drinking, it’s often taken as a personal insult, like you don’t want to relax with that person specifically. You also get seen as a bit of a party-pooper.
In the beginning people will try to start some deep conversation about why you’re quitting but after a while something in your body language changes as you get used to the idea yourself and most people ask less and less (once in a while you’ll get someone who wants to start a discussion about it though). My standard answer is that I got bored with it and that I’m more confident when I’m sober, if they insist on a more elaborate answer then I’ll give them all my reasons.
Another thing I have to deal with is that as a man my masculinity is often questioned because I don’t drink, although that stops as soon as they see how well I do socially while staying sober.
Anyway, I’m not trying to tell you what to do or how to feel, just wanted to give you my perspective and experiences.
Hey Karen,
I’m pulling for you.
As for the seemingly happy people on Twitter, people always find it easier to support someone else when they are having problems instead of confronting their own problems.
As long as you know that you’re not alone, have a good supporting cast and know that you have the fortitude to get through this and be successful, you’ll be fine.
Bud Light isn’t that good anyway
-John
Hey Karen,
Thanks for being honest and sharing how things really are for you. I think lots of those “Happy” people on twitter are happy- but that doesn’t mean they don’t experience sadness, anguish, pain, confusion etc.
I post on twitter happy thoughts, feelings, affirmations that have helped me that I think will help others also. There are times I’m not so happy & I don’t tweet those times, those are the times I go to my support network & get good, loving, sound feedback.
I was in rehab when I was 21, and I haven’t had a drink of alcohol since 1998. I can & do go to parties & I enjoy myself. It takes time to develop new skills & if you were saying you’d got it sussed this soon I’d be scared for you. “If you sit in a barbers shop long enough you’re bound to get your hair cut” is an expression I’ve heard many a time- stay away from social situations that involve alcohol for a while- until you’ve developed new skills for coping with your emotions. From what you’ve said alcohol has been your coping strategy- it may take a little time to develop a different one.
If you can’t call your friend every minute of every day- that’s fair enough- but find enough people that you can speak to every day without exhausting any particular one- you need to talk & express those negative thoughts- out in the open- in the light of day they die- kept hidden inside us in the dark they fester & grow until they’re the ones in control.
You can do this.
Karen,
While I can’t even begin to understand what it must be like battling this inner demon every woken hour and must commend you for the transparency and honesty on this blog.
I read quite a few blogs, but, your honesty is most incredible and refreshing. My frustration is with the fact that none seem to be faced with hardships or problems, it’s all a bunch of bouncing happy quoting tellytubbies. I do understand THAT.
Each time I read a new twitter message, usually a quote about fulfillment, I’ve stopped thinking about the quote. There seems to be some sort of competition for posting the most quotes, rather than being you. People don’t seem particularly interested in sharing their “bad” side.
Karen, without having met you, or even seen you… you are a fantastic person, and there is no one like you. Don’t ever forget that! The demon that be alcohol is only temporary visiting you, for you have not known who you are and it’s overshadowed your life-light!
Stay strong!
I don’t know if you know how much of a big deal it is that you are being honest…with yourself and everyone else. I’m trying to quit smoking for the tenth time and all I find myself doing is lying about it. I wait until Jake is at work to smoke, I tell people on the phone I’m not smoking just as I am lighting up. And I tell myself that it’s okay that I smoke…there is no end to the justifications I can make for having a cigarette.
I realize that what you are dealing with is very different but you are making me realize that your biggest accomplishment so far is being truly fucking honest. That is a big deal…it may seem like it’s a small battle in a very long war but recognize your victory anyway. You deserve it.
Karen,
Your struggle is the struggle that we all human beings are living in one way or another. Nobody knows how to live the right way.
However, the way that you are living is definitely the right way. I would suggest to feel your time with Love, love for your relatives and friends and specially love for yourself. When we are full of Love there will not be room to do anything that can harm those who we love.
All the best!
Karen,
Thank you so much for writing this. I shed tears while reading this beautifully honest and painful post. I cry because I can relate to the pain that you are suffering right now. My addiction was not to alcohol, but the shame and the guilt and the fear were all very real to me. Many times I felt that I couldn’t do it anymore. I felt like I was never going to be freed from the life that I was suddenly forcing myself to live. I applaud you for your honesty and I encourage you to embrace it at all times.
It is my hope that you will someday soon, trust yourself enough to be freed from this alcoholism. It was through total trust in my truest self that I have been freed from my addiction. The person you are now is beautiful, but scared. The addict you is stronger than the real you right now. It will not stay that way. Keep being honest and reaching out to others who support you and who will not make you feel bad if you slip and fall. We are all human. We all make bad choices. Addicts just let those bad choices keep them in their addiction.
Karen-
Im proud of you for taking this leap. Change NEVER comes easy in life no matter what the issue is we want to improve! For me, Its a constant struggle to be a better person than who Iam today, but it sure reaps its rewards when I push myself no matter how painful it is because with no pain there is no gain… that is why people give up so easily. From my experience.. there will always be a little devil lurking around whispering in my ear, but with God I find peace and understanding through this.
When people ask.. why? you dont have to lie. You are who you are, and you are doing a great thing.. be proud to share your struggle with others as you do on your blog! If people want to question you then let them, but dont feel weird about it. Just tell them “I have decided Im not going to drink anymore” and until im strong enough to make this commitment to myself im choosing to stay away from being around it.” Beleive me.. when you say this most people will not question you for that..you will see that they will be more accepting that you were honest. You dont have to hide anything for fear of what others will think..THIS IS YOUR LIFE and you can be an example to others! If you have a drink or a bad day….be honest with yourself… ITS OKAY! you will get there because you have already taken the first step!
Believe me….im not always happy or free from struggle.. and i know no one in this world is… its a constant battle. BUT i know you will find a place of peace at some point because you are striving for it!
Im here for you girl!
I agree with NomadicNeil’s comment above. I definitely don’t think most of the people are happy that you are reading about on Twitter. Every single person has their own inner demons. I struggle with MANY myself that I’m trying to overcome.
I certainly don’t understand what you’re going through with your specific addiction, but I can tell you that I do know what’s it’s like to feel lost and misunderstood by others, whether it’s friends or family. Same feeling, but a different ‘trigger.’
I’m not really sure if this makes you feel any better at all, but I do want you to know that you aren’t alone out there and it’s great to hear that you have strong support system in place with your family.
Deciding not to drink is easy.
What’s really hard is that nearly all of your friends will reject you.
You won’t be invited to the same parties anymore.
They won’t invite you to just hang out.
See, it’s not really the drink, it’s the shared emotional experiences induced by the drink that people crave so much. When you aren’t drinking, you aren’t available to share those emotional experiences, and your bond with them disappears.
I wish it weren’t so.
As a non-drinker, I don’t have a problem hanging out with people that do drink, and they don’t have a problem with me hanging out with them… until they find out I don’t drink… Then, strangely, it matters much more to them than to me.
Figure out how to handle your new found social isolation (ie. find new friends) you won’t have a problem with it anymore.
Sounds totally cheezball, but your post reminds me of one I wrote a while back… when I was feeling particularly alone:
http://www.questforbalance.com/2009/05/12/standing-alone-serenely-balanced/
I just want you to know that you are not alone in your feeling that way. I had a different sort of addiction to overcome, and the only thing that worked for me was writing (obsessively) in my journal. It became my best friend. Every single thought, most of them pretty crappy for a while, went in there. Somehow that allowed me to put some distance between the thoughts, the behaviors, and me.
I’m pretty happy now. Not in a new-agey, everything is perfect and divine kind of way (’cause I still have the depression beast to contend with at times), but in a contentment sort of way. I like my life now… finally.
You will too, I promise.
Hellloooo Karen,
Well, you’re good at this blogging thing. Conveying your thoughts and feelings via words is something you’ve got a talent for.
I also don’t like it when people don’t share all the facets of themselves. On the other hand, you were surprised to read that I struggle with depression and I never knew I wasn’t talking about it. Maybe it’s benign neglect on most people’s part that they don’t share. Not sure but I do know that everybody struggles with something. The people that are the most real – like you – are the most interesting to me.
I’m not sure if you’ve mentioned this before but I’m wondering if rehab is an option for you?
@DaveDoolin I think you are going a bit overboard with the idea that your friends will all dump you when you stop drinking.
I still have many of the same friends I did when I did drink and they’ve come to accept that I’ve changed. I’m your friends couldn’t do the same.
Yesterday I was out at a bar where I met a girl who was drinking, we hung out all night and she had no problem with me not drinking, in fact she kept rebuffing all the other guys who wanted to buy her more drinks.
It’s all about your integrity and strenght of character. Build it and they will come
“One day at a time” is good advice for learning to manage an addiction… just as “be here now” is good advice for Life in general.
I’ll repeat my suggestion to explore a cognitive behavior change program. It’s very useful to get clear on your triggers and have a plan for what you’ll do (instead of drink) when they arrive. For example, when I quit smoking I had a plan to burn five $10 bills before I’d smoke a cigarette. I never had to do that, but just knowing I had committed to that plan came in handy a time or two.
Also, it might be useful to contemplate how you’d approach the “I don’t know how” issue if, say, you’d come home with a diabetes diagnosis. Simple answer: It’s a choice… to learn… to move forward… always…
IMHO, btw, you need to not accept the banana-peel slipping stuff. STOP. NOW. Write a goodbye letter to alcohol ~Dear Al~ you’d be surprised how empowering it is to put that down on paper.
Finally, from an email I received this morning:
“The fastest way to change any habit is to act as if it’s already true.”
- Marshall Sylver
Uh huh.
Keep going.
I don’t know how to be that person that doesn’t drink. But at least I am for tonight.
Karen,
Yes, you do! Take it from someone who has been clean for 26 years plus counting. That is probably longer than you’ve been around this lifetime. You do it one night at a time, like you did tonight.
Hang in there kiddo
Rasheed
Hi you
Earlier this year, my coworker quit smoking. As of tomorrow, it will be 6 months.
In the early going, i was counting out her number of days in a row every morningas she walked into the office. I stopped at around 2 months.
If you think it’ll help, I’ll DM or @ you with your number of days everyday (except those days that I’m outta town ora way from my computer), and you can correct me — or not, that’s your dcecision– as to whether or not you kept the streak alive.
I guess that’s kinda what social internet tools help us do. Earlier this year, you put out your 7 day discipline plan. Your last paragraph was:
This might be more detail and personal information than the average reader needs, but I am using this public platform to commit to myself and all three of my subscribers that I will do this even when it doesn’t feel good. I’ll be posting follow up posts, depending how often I’m inspired this week.
You’re doing your end of that bargain of making yourself accoutnable. I want to do mine. And that’s KEEPING you accountable.
Japman
Good to hear how you’re getting on Karen and as I’ve said before, I really admire how you are dealing with this.
I used to find it hard to socialise without a fair amount of drink, I’d just want to drink as fast as I could to shake off my inhibitions. I wonder if that is why some people get upset when you’re the one not drinking, if they have the need to drink maybe its unsettling when someone else isn’t.
I think we all have these hidden insecurities in one form or another…I think that’s part of being human and I for one am definitely not always happy. I think your sharing in such a honest way, has created space for others too Karen, I don’t think any of us have really got it sorted!
Jen x
Hi Karen,
I just stumbled across your blog today. It sounds like we are going through very similar phases right now in our relationship with our addiction. I just recently also came to the conclusion that my drinking was starting to cause me big problems and that something had to change in a big way. While quitting ultimately may be what’s right for you, there are other options. Have you heard of naltrexone and the Sinclair method? Apparently people have had remarkable results with it helping them break their dependence and relearn how to drink like a normal person again. Here’s a link to an article about it on Wikipedia: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sinclair_Method. There has also been a book written about it by Dr. Roy Eskapa. I just put in for my first order of nal from an online pharmacy in India, and am hoping to get started over the holidays when the alcohol will be flowing freely.
T-Mobile has unlimited cell minutes for cheap, FYI
You never emailed me, but if you do, I might have other helpful ideas.
Hi Karen — I get how courageous it is for you to write these articles and I’m thankful that you have. That sounded like valuable awareness to me when you said “every time I have to handle a negative emotion, I want to run in the other direction and drink it away.” That’s something most of us, I think, actually do not get the chance to learn, because anesthetizing ourselves against what we’re experiencing — whether through alcohol, TV, sex, or even work — is so accepted in our society. But allowing those emotions to happen, I think, starts to give us choice around how we respond to what comes up in our lives.
Karen, you have a talent… No doubt about it. You say things that most of us are thinking. More importantly, you make me think deeper into a lot of issues that I face each day.
Thanks a lot.
Ro
Karen –
Thank you for sharing your story. I am at a similar place in my life at the moment. And am inspired by your back story and fight ahead. How I happened upon your blog today was a random occurance, an outcome of my own search for thoughts and other’s experience in facing this difficult battle.
Please stay strong – for yourself, and for readers like me who draw strength from your story.
– Hook
K -
A few things – I’m glad you ordered “Undrunk” – I think that will help a lot with getting the hang of AA – and getting the most out of it.
As some people have noted, it’s going to be tough dealing with old friends and habits. I had to try to remove myself from certain situations in my early sobriety. When I couldn’t, I tried to have a plan – about what to say or do if I started to feel uncomfortable or tempted to drink. Having an exit strategy is key. You have to put your sobriety first, though, and not worry about what others will think. Eventually, it gets easier.
Having people to call – a whole slew of them – is a good idea, too. At my first AA meetings, after people learned I was a newcomer, many women handed me cards and slips of paper with their numbers on them. I only ended up calling a few of them, and never in dire moments, mostly just for a check-in or chat – but it helped. And I learned that they truly wanted to help – they wouldn’t have offered their numbers or answered if they didn’t mean it.
There’s a huge support network out there – you just have to access it. It’s there for you if and when you need it. Best of all, you will learn how to handle situations “that used to baffle” you. Not just regarding drinking, but regarding life in general — how to just BE in the world. I never knew how to do this – but now I have a plan, a program. And it works.
Keep going to meetings if you can, as often as you can. You might not always get a lot out of them, but I guarantee it’ll help. There will be one little tidbit you’ll take away that will undoubtedly make a difference.
As for other books to read, I found “Living Sober” helpful, if a bit dated, as far as giving practical ways to address everyday life and various social situations without alcohol.
I’d also delve into as many sober blogs as you can find. I have a few listed on my blog, and then each of those has a wealth of other sites listed, too. There’s a HUGE recovery blogging contingent, and everyone is very welcoming and supportive.
That’s all for now – I wish you courage and serenity and lots of love as you continue your journey. Hang in there – it gets easier, I promise.
–C.
No one is 100% happy. Happiness is fleeting. As the Buddha once said, “Pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional.”
Check out the book, “Mindful Recovery” and of course, Byron Katie.
Never underestimate your ability to change your life Karen.
First change (and challenge) your beliefs, then your life can change.
What an awesome find your blog is. You are a gem. May everyone be as real as you. I also struggle daily with my own demons, and have been writing for many years, if only to put my thoughts into perspective. You inspire me so. I wish you only the best and I have no doubt that you are growing into greatness. Keep being the awesome person you are, keep being brave and wise and strong. Both my parents were alcoholics, and both their deaths were alcohol related. I am the only child. They drank and fought from my earliest memory, and it broke my heart every time. My dad died from acute renal failure when I was 11, and my mum died when I was fresh out of high school, from falling down our stairs with a half full bottle of vodka on the table. I dont know whether it was an accident or if someone had pushed her, I was at work. I discovered her lifeless body possibly ten hours later. Survival took over. I,ve been making it on my own ever since. I,m 33 now. I have dabbled with hard drugs, soft drugs, alcohol and the like. After much restless wrestlings in my head, I resolved one morning many years ago that I want to be a better person. I decided to write this commitment in my diary and I have been writing in there ever since. It is only through God,s grace that I am able to sit here and impart to you. He has been faithful. I could have been on the streets, or even a prostitute if God took his eyes off me for a second. Writing has been a big part of my journey into goodness. I am progressing steadily, changing only what I can at any moment. I now have a great career, a job that I love, I,m madly and stupidly in love with a great man, who is also my best friend. Thats wonderful. I dont have blood family, but I could never hope for a better love than what I have in my few friends. I had a father, but did not feel a fathers love. I had a mother, and have no happy memories to show for it. I do not question events that take place in my life. Its meaning will become clear usually many years later. God reveals to us what He wishes. You already have the greatest tool to being the person you have written about. Prayer. May you prosper in your quest for goodness. I will certainly be visiting here again. Lots of love, Anusha