Girl’s Night Out

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My hair is straightened. The ends are curled, and falling just perfectly, despite its desperate need for a trim. Legs are shaved, and the cute outfit is all laid out on the bed. One of my best girlfriend’s birthday is this evening, and it seems to be shaping up to be an awesome night out, with a bunch of girls that I haven’t seen in a while. All is set for a great night out, except for the obsessive thoughts in my head: I can’t drink.

I don’t know how to be the sober one, and I’m planning on doing just that. I’ve known about this planned evening for months now. The same group of girls gets together every year, for one central friend’s birthday. It’s usually an over the top event, or at the very least a very well planned evening of old friends, lots of laughs and mischievous.

The only thing is, I haven’t been out at night with old friends, in my new sober form. Getting sober is a process. For all of you normal drinkers out there, let me tell you. There are many layers to getting sober. Admitting that it’s necessary is the huge and cliché first step. The reality of implementing this in your life takes getting sober a much deeper level.

Each friend that I have knows a different aspect of me. I had no idea that I was so uncomfortable being fully me, until trying to confront my alcoholism. Using alcohol is an easy, cowardly way of escaping any uncomfortable feelings. When you take away your crutch, all that is left is what you were trying to run away from.

My ticket to the Improv has a two item purchase minimum. I have never had this problem before. I would always drink more than two drinks, easily. But now, the worry of how to deal with this has preoccupied me all afternoon. I like drinking water, but it will make it so obvious that I’m not drinking. Should I order a non-alcoholic beer? No, that’s silly. Like decaf, it makes no sense to me. What about mineral water with lime? That way it kind of looks like a drink, with a citrus garnish. Or should I take the effort to order a virgin fruity drink? I don’t even like sweet alcoholic drinks, but if I’m drinking something for the sweetness, instead of the the alcohol, it might just be delicious. But, the effort to make sure it’s virgin will surely be too obvious and take too much effort. And if the waiter doesn’t hear me on the virgin part, and I accidentally start sipping a real margarita, I fear my self discipline will go out the window at that moment, and I must have six more.

Dinner is inconveniently at a restaurant next to the Improv. If it was at the Improv, like I have done before with friends, I could easily use up my two item minimum on food. Now, I’m stuck. Sure, I can order a soda. But what do I do with the second item? It’s an issue now.

Every place that I’m going has history with drinking. I remember what drink I order each time I am there. I remember the occasion that I was last there, who was with me. I remember their drinks, too. One of the problems with being an alcoholic is the obsession with it. It’s exhausting.

I remember what my friend’s drinks were, and how many they had. I had to for at least the first few, just so that I could notice the pace of their intake. I had to always be aware of others behavior around me, so that I could make sure mine didn’t appear unusually excessive. Because it was.

One of the hardest things about getting sober, is creating new habits. When you are addicted to anything, it takes up so much time and space, and energy in your life. And, you don’t even realize how much space it fills until you take it away.

So tonight, I am going out, and going to be the only one not drinking. The birthday girl is the only one that knows my recent past with alcohol. We had dinner a few weeks ago, and I told her all about it. She’s incredibly positive, and supportive, but she’s not an alcoholic. That’s a good thing, for the future of our friendship, but there’s only a certain extent to what she can understand.

I told her that I had a issues with alcohol, before almost anyone else, over a year ago. And her honest response was that I just needed to not drink alone, and on the week days. A couple times a month at social functions, like she does, was okay. I don’t blame her for not understanding it. At that point I had hope that I could change my habits to be “normal”. But that was way before I embraced the idea that I was actually an alcoholic. It’s been a long road.

So, I’m not sure how tonight will go. I’ve thought canceling this outing hundreds of times. I’ve thought about what a bad idea it is for me to be in a regular bar setting, so early into trying to be sober. But, this group of friends is also the perfect setting. I get along with them all without alcohol. Most of them don’t have dysfunctional relationships with alcohol, and some of them don’t drink much at all on certain evenings out. I’m angry that this is such a selfish disease. I’m obsessed with what drink I will order, how people will respond to my not drinking, how I will answer any questions about it. It’s so self centered, and obsessive, that the thoughts spin round and round in my head until I just want to stay at home in bed.

But the truth is I want to have good relationships. I want to have girl’s nights out. I want to go to birthday parties of my good friends. I just don’t know how to do that yet without drinking. And you don’t know how you are going to handle it until you try. I get so tired of thinking about myself, that I hope one day I can focus more on other people, and creating and sustaining good relationships.  It’s not all about me, even though the addict in me is constantly trying to convince me that it is.