Whenever I write about my perfectionistic tendancies I spell it wrong. I spell it like I just did in the last sentence, like clock work, the same way every. single. time. And the cute little red line shows up under the words, telling me that I’m doing it wrong. So, I right click and change it to the correct spelling. Oh, the irony.
Being perfect is impossible. Trust me I know, because I keep trying. This makes being a perfectionist such an idiotic concept: continuously wanting to achieve the impossible. And, I don’t mean this in the touchy, feely “live your dreams and reach for the stars” type of impossible. I mean this in a “continuously self sabotaging because you constantly can’t live up to your own unreal expectations” type of impossible.
Merriam Webster defines perfectionism as, “a disposition to regard anything short of perfection as unacceptable.”. That’s a pretty shitty way to live. You are rarely satisfied, and then more often than not unhappy.
I keep trying to be perfect, and it’s not possible. Which leads to a lot of failure, loss of self esteem from not ever being able to be satisfied, and hopelessness from the ensuing realization that failure is inevitable.
But, the beautiful thing is: I’m wrong. I’m not perfect. I never will be.
I need to constantly remind myself that it’s okay to screw up. This is one of those things that my conscious mind knows, yet my illogical, subconscious internal desires completely conflict. I tell myself that it’s okay to do it wrong, because mistakes are the only way to learn. But this little elusive devil in me keeps screaming this annoying high pitch scream, every time something isn’t just so. Which is often.
I don’t like the learning stages of anything new. I want to master something, instantly. I want to be spectacularly good at doing it, not have to learn like everyone else by trial and error.
photo credit
Perfectionism sucks. Perfect is a strong word, and I have the essential love/hate relationship with it. In the previous link, Penelope Trunk lists four concise, brilliant points about why perfectionism sucks. I relate to all four concepts immensely, and after reading her article quickly realized the pathetic-ness of being a perfectionist: it’s all fear based. It’s a cowardly way to exist.
And I’m not happy settling for being a coward. The only way I know to combat this is to doing it wrong. A lot. The more mistakes I make, the easier it is to realize it’s not the end of the world. I’m not even going to proofread this article. Okay, maybe I’ll proofread it just once, and not the usual 20 times.
So tell me… do you have perfectionist tendencies? Do you see them as a positive trait, or self defeating? And, yes. I had to correct the spelling on perfectionist tendencies because it would drive me insane if I left it like that, twice.
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The answer to your question: yes. I’m a perfectionist to the core. Notice that I didn’t blog and then when I did it had to be daily? There’s no mediocrity for me. It’s either full-on or not at all. Interestingly, I think this could also be seen as addictive behavior. You do something a lot or you don’t do it.
I’ve sort of come to terms with it. I try not to beat myself up over it but I also know that I’m very particular. You mentioned proofing your blog post. I proof mine 10 times each time I think. I just like it to be as correct as it can be. I think the drive to be the best can really drive us to do great things sometimes but it can also be our demise. The trick is figuring out how to use it to your advantage.
Also, have you read Karol’s post on perfection?
I was actually going to link to Karol’s post in this one, and forgot to add it. That article really inspired me about the beauty in being imperfect.
Perfectionism is a special form of hell. I know on the one hand that perfectionism is part of my success. It’s the spur that drives me to learn more, do better, get it right. However, I agree with you that it’s based in fear. A fear of being criticised, a fear of being wrong, a fear of being rejected, a fear of whatever. What makes perfectionism hell is that the success never outweighs the fear.
I came across the saying, “don’t let the perfect be the enemy of the good.” I has helped me to start taking some risks (at least, what feels like risks to me) by identifying when something is good enough. Not in the pejorative sense, but in the sense of identifying where I really have already done a good job and am just going to spin my wheels on minute perfectionist details.
I would like to confidently assert that am a recovering perfectionist, but that would be too risky – someone would surely point out that I haven’t lived up to that statement.
And the idea that I, myself, might be ‘good enough’ is still a bridge too far…
Thanks for a wonderful, thought-provoking post.
I love the irony that we can never call ourselves recovering perfectionists, because admitting that we are not afflicted by it insinuates that we are okay just the way we are… oh… the vicious cycle.
Its the culture Karen… We’re hammered by everything around us to be perfect. Seen those beauty commercials around us? Any mistake is a sign of weakness and that’s a no-no. We see so called “perfection” in movies – (families having the perfect life), in commercials (happy kids eating their veggies around a dinner table), and lets not go into those women models.
Where’s the message that it’s OK not to be perfect? The society punishes mistakes. If something goes wrong, there HAVE to be some repercussions. And that’s the way we think – if we make a mistake, we have to change ourselves or admonish ourselves.
Good post, as usual.
Ro
Here’s what I’m stuck on: the perfection in the photo you used. Look at the lighting, and how the lighting plays off the skirt. And maybe I could tell myself the isn’t an obsessively perfect photo but the line of the fingers matching up perfectly with the line of the chair is too much. This photo took a full day to make.
I want to have photos on my blog. Then I see photos like this, and then I think I can’t do photos because they won’t be as good as this photo.
I wish I didn’t think this way. Your post reminds me that I should just put up bad photos and then, slowly, they’ll get better, or I will get more accepting, or both.
Karen,
I can sooooooo relate to it.
I wrote about the futility of being perfect on my blog a couple of months ago. You are right, it is all fear based insecurities.
Thoroughly enjoyed the post.
Rasheed
To be human means we are not perfect.
Being human is not a character defect.
I get frustrated sometimes with my perfectionist qualities to the point of OCD. It is like I can not relax unless things are perfect. It also feels like there is always something I can constantly be doing instead of just sitting and being unproductive.
It is like every challenge I take on in life I just want to be perfect at. If I start something, then I want to be the best at it.
It does have its positives though. Usually your work is more defined.
Ah Karen, what a viscous cycle indeed! Likewise, I am a perfectionist, and I agree with Shannon that it goes hand in hand with addictive behavior. It gives us the impression of control over our lives.
There were a few years, just out of college where I can say I had let me tendencies slide in most areas of my life. I was content with knowing there were grammatical mistakes in my writing or my jeans didn’t fit quite perfectly; day to day living was enough. Until I started taking some bigger risks in my life, started my own business (the one before the one I have now), started my blog…and slowly but surely I felt the need creep back in. How can you venture into new territory and deal with the inevitable first failures. I look at these failures as little successes in a much bigger challenge, but day to day, how do I cope with my imperfection?
Lately, I’ve made my discomfort with my imperfection a style that’s completely mine. In my blog I’ve developed a writing style that is perfectly imperfect (and grammatically atrocious). When my jeans don’t fit quite right, I sketch myself into my photos rather than take actual photos. (Wow, this has turned into ‘Kristin’s Corner of Confession’)
I actually stopped blogging for a month (more?) because I couldn’t do it perfectly anymore. I was loosing readers. I was depressed. I didn’t feel witty or charming or clever. (I should have written this in an email rather than hijack your comments sections!)
But I’m coming back to the blogging world, because I started that blog to connect with people who want to venture out and do new things with their lives but don’t have the skills to get past their insecurities or imperfections or fears. I have the skills, do I have the courage?
Alright, I’m ending this now. But thank you for writing this and reminding me that I am not alone in this venture and that someday, maybe even soon, I can make another attempt at playing video games (a ridiculously giant fear of mine…)
Karen,
I totally agree with you, it is OK to do it wrong. What matters is that we are giving our best, passionately and consistently!
I do not have perfectionist tendencies, actually I have imperfectionist tendencies…
Maybe someday I will write about a life focused on imperfection… Doesn’t sound interesting?
All the best!
Boris
My love,
The ironic part is, to people who love us, we are nearly perfect. My friends and family have a lot of flaws, but to me, at some point every time I see them, they are perfect, if only for a moment. Sometimes, when you read my mind or email the *perfect* (there’s that word again) zinger to Puppy, I laugh out loud and email back how rockin’ you are… so, it is attainable, just not *sus*tainable. Yes?