I’ve been thinking a lot about how much I’m resisting going back to AA. Resisting is exactly the word for it. For months, I have been making excuses to myself about why I don’t want to go back. Excuses. Which are rooted in fear.
I just started reading this beautiful book called Terry by George McGovern. He was a senator who wrote this wonderful and tragic book about the life and death of his alcoholic daughter, Terry. After a life long battle with the disease, he was informed on his doorstep late one night by two cops that his daughter was dead. She stumbled out of a bar in Minnesota into a snow drift while very drunk, and passed out and froze to death.
The story breaks my heart. I am surprised that I relate to almost every word about this woman.
This scares me. I am not that bad. I could never die from drinking. I am not really that flawed, but I just need to stop drinking because my family wants me to.
That’s what I have been telling myself lately. And it scares me.
I am having such a conflict with this whole alcoholism thing since I stood up and announced to the world last November that I have. Since then, I have dramatically reduced my drinking, but by no means stopped 100%.
I know I should. I know I’m “supposed” to. I know I could get in “trouble” for drinking, or disappoint many people in my life because of it. Yet, I continue to drink, just on a much reduced level, and hide it much better.
This scares me. My love for the alcohol, and the fact that it runs so deep, and risks so much scares me. I only drink alone now. And it pretty much sucks. I don’t have that denial so much anymore that used to cushion me from I feeling the guilt and paranoia and shame. And then I feel stupid after the fact. Maybe it’s because I know I’m sick. It’s no fun. Yet I still crave it, and fantasize about being able to run away to an island where no one knows my alcoholic history, and I can drink socially again.
So I’m resisting AA. I think I’ve become what they call a ‘dry drunk’. I’ve pretty much stopped drinking, except once every few weeks or so. But nothing is cured in me. I worry that nothing is changed. Nothing is healed.
I’ve been reading books about alcoholism for the past few months. I’ve been devouring them. I’ve embraced the fact that I am an alcoholic. I’m not really even ashamed to say it to most people. I am such an alcoholic that it’s impossible to deny. But I’m still resisting healing myself.
Part of me is in love with alcohol. Part of me loves the escape, and the ultimate anti-anxiety and sleeping pill that it is. It’s the only thing that shuts off my over active brain.
So, I guess I am overwhelmed with the thought that I have such a long way to go in this journey. I will stop drinking 100% and attend AA regularly (it’s really inevitable, but I’m working on indefinitly postponing my active participation in it) but right now I really don’t want to go back.
I’m resisting “drinking the koolaid”. I’m afraid that AA has all of the aspects that I despise about organized religion- groupthink without questioning, chants and rituals.
I’m worried that I will go back, and never learn to like it, and it won’t work for me. And then what am I going to do.
I’m pretty certain about a few things: I’m an alcoholic. I need more support and help from others to get better. I am really sick in my head, genetically and physiologically I am made up to be addicted to something. I don’t know how to do this on my own. This much I know is true.
And AA says it’s exactly for people like me. They told me to “keep coming back” over and over again. They forced me into hugs while my skin was crawling with discomfort, and I just was trying to slip out the back door. They all repeat these phrases, that maybe annoy me so much because I know they are true. Maybe I don’t want to join the group of these obnoxiously happy recovered folks, who make me stand up in front of groups exactly like I hate and dread. So I’m procrastinating being a part of AA. I fear that I will become like one of them, yet I know I am already one of them, and I also crave that belonging and oneness that they all annoyingly preach about.
I worry that if I begin to charge into recovery, it will consume me. I fear that I will turn AA into my new drug. I fear that I’ll never develop friendships, and never fit in, eternally be the new, uncomfortable kid. I’m so sick of thinking of every negative possible outcome, and not really believing that anything good will every happen. I believe in positivity. I believe in not complaining. But sometimes at the root of it, I don’t believe that I deserve good things to happen to me or that they ever will. I’m not sure why I am resisting life so much, but I know I need to figure out a different game plan to get better and be better than I am today.
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{ 46 comments… read them below or add one }
Honesty!
It’s an amazing thing, isn’t it?
Oh, Karen. My heart aches for you. I don’t have any answers, no wisdom to share. But I know this: drink, or don’t drink, AA or no AA, you’re still *you*, and the *you* that you are is a wonderful, beautiful soul. You’ll get through this, I promise. It might be hard to see your light shining from your perspective, but I see it radiating from you. You are loved.
Thank you, Jay. You are such a kind soul.
Karen—
I know I am going to get shit by others who think I am not supporting you and your efforts for what I am going to say…
What really is your problem with alcohol? Is it the alcohol or is it others influence or attention?
I have this strong feeling about many people who think they or someone else is an addict. If someone likes something a ton, they are automatically considered an addict. I love a tall Blue Moon with an orange slice. I could drink one daily and that wouldn’t mean I am an addict. That just means it is something I want in my life. If those Blue Moons caused me to have a horrible life than I would need to change. The problem in addiction is not use but control. To me, it sounds like you have perfect control while you are alone. So the problem isn’t drinking. It is others influence or effect on you while drinking.
To me, taking control of situations that you currently can’t is the major issue to address. Personally, I think you enjoying a beverage or two isn’t bad. But…you need to make sure you have control and the bottle doesn’t. If you can’t handle drinking with your friends, then don’t do that and find friends that aren’t so pushy to get f’d up. I have friends that I get trashed with (been a while) and I have friends I lounge and have a few drinks with. If I was having control issues with alcohol, the first thing I would do is not even have one drink with the drunk f***’s. It seems like you are doing that.
If you were having a problem with your anger around a coworker, friend, teammate or whoever, you would resolve the issue by removing them from your life. Maybe alcohol isn’t what you need to remove. Maybe it’s those that get you, force, you, entice you to drink.
I believe we are to quick to jump on the substance and not the people of influence.
My final thoughts:
-Take control of EVERY situation
-Properly manage the things (all things) you ‘love’ and might be addicted to
-Try to overpower the urge. By doing this you will have the control over your entire life.
***I am not an addict to anything. But just because I am not doesn’t make my points less valid. I may not be understanding of a position, but that doesn’t automatically eliminate my opinion. I know you aren’t discounting my opinion Karen…this point is mainly guided at those that read this.
David Damron
The Minimalist Path
Dave,
I love that you respond with a comment the length of a blog post. I love that you are so damn opinionated, and have to say what you think. But I have to say I don’t agree with you and there’s a little confusion maybe in how I portray myself.
Addiction is so multifaceted, and just like any aspect of life, it is intertwined with other people, and what others think and the outside world. But then it comes down to it, it’s not really about anyone else. those are just details. I don’t drink because of anyone’s outside influence. Not one pressures me into drinking- EVER, because I want to on my own much more than anyone could ever tell me to.
You are right about the control aspect- I know that I have an issue because I can’t control it. I can’t control the fact that when I am alone -I don’t want to be drinking, but I’m compulsively also compelled to do so despite the negative consequences.
I have friends in every range of the spectrum- ones that don’t drink at all, to “normal” drinker who can have one or two with dinner, to people that can drink 10 hours with straight on a weekend. The issues I have with alcohol don’t have anything to do with other people- other people just make the recovery process slightly trickier. The problem I have is why I use alcohol to self medicate, and avoid handling my emotions/ anything negative in life with healthy options.
Your thoughts on the subject are really interesting on the subject and have made me think, but telling someone who is addicted to alcohol just to have control over it is like telling a depressed person to “just get out of bed”. It’s much more complicated than that.
There is definitely a sense that I just will never understand addiction. I wish I could. But I also wish I could save the world. Neither of those are likely.
So Karen—Why do you have problems handling your emotions and feelings? For one moment, take alcohol out of the picture. Think solely of your life choices and actions. Think about how you react and act to everything. Now, address one emotion. Let’s say sadness. Why are you sad? Why are you depressed? Write down the exact reason. Then read that note back ALOUD. Now, you have addressed one issue and put it on the floor. You can now approach resolving that issue. All of this without alcohol.
What if you didn’t have other issues to resolve? What if your life was perfect? Would you be able to drink responsibly then? If yes, then you know what to do. If no, then the problem isn’t your emotions or feelings but rather your environment.
Hope that helps a bit…
David
TMP
David,
Might I make a suggestion? Stick to commenting on things you know and practice silence on all things you don’t know anything about. Or words of encouragement can go a long way.
Just something to think about.
Wow, interesting thoughts, David Damron. Curious to hear what others think about them.
I love your honesty, Karen. Love it.
As someone who’s been sober almost 7 years, it’s hard to comment on this without coming across like an asshole. So I won’t. But the best thing I can leave you with is this: all your fears are of your own making, from your pride, vanity, and ego. Get over them, or face the prospect of dying a drunk.
It’s okay if you come across sounding like an asshole. I think your experience and wisdom in the area far exceeds mine. You’re so right about my fear being founded in ego. But it doesn’t make them feel any less scary, or real.
Exactly. That’s the whole point of the matter. Regardless of what they’re based in, they aren’t going to be addressed by doing what you’ve always done. It’s not a matter of willpower or self-control anymore. If that was all it took, there wouldn’t be AA to begin with. Alcoholism is a disease and a sickness. If you had diabetes, you wouldn’t talk about getting insulin ‘eventually’. You’d do it right the fuck away.
Interesting comments by everybody!
Ultimately, Karen, you are in control… you just have to know it. You always have a choice, and it may not be the choice you want, but there is always, always a choice. And you’ve already taken most of the control by choosing to be open about it! And asking for help, should you choose (see? always!) to do it is not giving up or selling out. xo
Have you considered AA is not the only way to manage the addiction? SmartRecovery.org offers an online program… maybe check that out?
If a dear friend was struggling with the same problem, what would you suggest she try? You and I both know your friend won’t “explode” if she doesn’t give in to the urge to drink. What might she do, instead… perhaps some combination of distraction and focus?
You appear to be a FANID (Functional Alcoholic Not In Denial), a station pretty far along the path. Methinks the drinking alone is akin to a wild goose chase. Find your way. Keep going.
I am interested in alternatives… I have a few books in my que to read on different techniques. I am still hopeful that there are other alternatives out there, if I do decide that the AA route is not for me.
FANID… never hear that before. Interesting acronym!
SMART Recovery is a very good system if your need is abstinence. They do not preach God, nor the Disease concept. They instead use RBT (rational behavioral therapy), and CBT (cognitive). If you find you are afraid of drinking the kool-aid of AA, it could be a good choice for you!
The reason I was drawn to your blog in the first place is that I identify so much with what you’re going through. I’ve been sober for over two years now, and although I have read extensively in the AA literature and gone to a lot of meetings, I have found over time that it’s not for me. Too much endless rehashing of the problems associated with drinking, not enough focus on the positive energy that you can generate in your life by remaining sober.
I have, however, taken the principles of AA very much to heart — to recognize that alcohol is a negative force for me, to own up to my actions and behavior while under the influence of alcohol, to try to make amends to people I’ve hurt, to try to support others who struggle with drinking, or drug use, or any other problem for that matter.
I know a lot of people who try to control their drinking. They set all kinds of rules. No drinking alone, no drinking before 5 o’clock, no drinking on weeknights. Don’t drink hard liquor, only beer. Or wine. Drink a glass of water before you start, or before you go to bed. So damn complicated. I have found that what works for me is not drinking at all. It’s easier. Less to think about and feel guilty about.
What makes it hard is that some people treat you like a freak. Those are the people that I worry about the most. They are so insecure, so worried that “maybe I’m an alcoholic.” Your presence makes them nervous because they know deep down inside that they have something to worry about. Sadly, I have lost a number of people I used to consider friends. I realize that mostly what we had in common was alcohol, and that the people who really care about me will want me to do what’s best for myself. Which is to never, ever, under any circumstances, drink any form of alcohol.
If that makes me a “dry drunk,” then so be it. I’ve found a lot of happiness and stability in my life since I took my last drink in January 2008. I’ve actually reached a point where I’ve lost track of how long it’s been (for the first year or so it was more like “17 months, four days, six hour and 12 minutes”). That’s a good feeling.
Anyway, just the thoughts of a fellow traveler…
Tom,
It sounds like you have come a long way, and have taken from AA the things that worked for you. There are many things about it and it’s philosophy of life that I enjoy and inspire me. Congrats on your journey in sobriety. I appreciate the support, and it’s encouraging to hear of someone else’s positive journey
Someone who isn’t an addict can’t understand addiction….period. That’s why they have groups not only for the addict but for the family & friends of addicts.
Karen, don’t let your fears and turn-offs about religion keep you from AA. I have seen AA change a lot of lives. Keep pressing through…
My first reaction when I read your blog was to ask the question “what is she medicating?” Addictions usually stem out of medicating pain….so maybe you need to address the pain before you can deal with the alcohol. It’s the ROOT, and alcoholism is just a symptom.
I am praying for you in this journey because I know how tough it is.
Hi Kelly,
I agree that you have to definitley have the addictive genes to be able to understand someone else’s. And even then, each experience in addiction is different. I totally agree with your wise words… Alcoholism is a symptom to something else. I read an interesting article recently (actually it was a scientific paper) about psychologists that believed that alcoholism is the problem in itself- that it creates issues in itself. It certainly does, but I think there are bigger issues that make someone turn to a substance to use it to self medicate. But this applies to any thing you “use”- shopping, drugs, food, so many things. Thanks for the kind words.
As so many have commented before me, I really commend and appreciate your honesty. Fighting an addiction is a battle so much bigger than one person and it is so much more complicated than just saying ‘get over it.’ But, on the flip side, it’s really not more complicated than that.
I have days when I fight and fight and fight and cry and scream and get angry and depressed that I have this issue that’s so hard to just let go of. Why don’t other people understand I have to be in control, but that I never really am? Why can’t they see how much this consumes me and how much I hate it, but how much I can’t let go? Why isn’t the fear this great for them?
There are days when I am not my most recovered self. Acknowledging it is such a huge step in the right direction, you have to give yourself that credit. By no means is your work done, but the next step isn’t far off.
I’m not a fan of group programs, having been to a few 12 Step programs and support groups. The one thing they do provide that I really appreciate is a replacement. Anytime you break a habit, you have to replace it with something. A group program is an ‘easy’ (as in it’s set up to fill this purpose, not in that it’s easy to go) answer. Clearly this is very successful for a lot of people. There are other options though.
The point of my comment was, recovery is simple but not easy. You can understand the mechanics behind it…don’t do what’s hurting you anymore…but it is so much harder than that. Remind yourself when it gets really hard, you’re making this harder than it is, just get through the next moment and the fear and anxiety and anger will go away if you can wait it out.
Also, remember there are people (myself included, even though we’ve never actually met) who are only a phone call/text/email away.
Hey Andi,
Simple, but not easy. Exactly. It’s the same with so many things… dieting, saving money. Simple, but not easy. I agree that the group support thing is not for everyone, but I think it is possible to create a group of support around you, without such a structured program. Like you for example. 
I knew there was a reason I thought you were awesome
Hey Karen,
I know what it’s like to be a very dark place, but I don’t know what it’s like to be an alcoholic.
That said: From my perspective, and you should obviously take that with a grain of salt, it looks like maybe AA is part of the problem. If the meetings make you uncomfortable maybe they’re not for you. As you already know, there are many different support groups. Have you considered trying all of the other options? There is bound to be something that fits with your personality.
In support,
Karol
Hey Karol,
I like your perspective: if something makes you uncomfortable, it’s not for you. It’s true… whatever you resist so much may just not be right for you. I don’t know if that is the case for me, or not, but finding that fits best with me is definitley on the right track.
Hi Karen,
I try to read a couple of blogs a day. Today ‘m happy I read yours.
My two cents…
Thank you for being your authentic self.
Thank you for sharing. Getting it out is a first step.
Thank you for asking for help. You’re smart to do so…another good step.
Doing it yourself is an option to explore … I know that you are your teacher.
If you want to learn from others, great. AA has worked for many and there are lessons there.
One day (one moment) at a time is a great concept.
Focus on today.
Set your goal and word it positively (you don’t want to stop drinking, you want to … live my life sober and enjoy all the clarity and health that brings (or whatever is meaningful to you).
Use Personal Journey writing daily (and when ever the urges arise) to repeat your goal, explore the urge, it’s whys, and anything else that comes up.
Writing can give you just the time and exploration you need to let the urge pass. It’s a powerful tool of self-awareness and self direction.
Each day (each moment) you reach your goal … celebrate and smile (congratulations me! yea!)
If you slip … acknowledge it, and forgive yourself (to avoid worrying about it and the negative thoughts that conjures). It will be better tomorrow.
And as you go through your journey there is power in seeking support from the spiritual.
Use writing…keep getting it out …keep overcoming the urges …keep reviewing the goal …keep celebrating your successes …keep learning how it feels to make progress … and keep doing it – one step at a time.
My two cents became more like 6 or 7 cents, but there you go. (and as always there is so much more to say.)
I hope in some small way this is helpful. I appreciate you and what you do.
Shifting habits and addictions can be difficult, but doable.
Have Forward Movement, Unweighted, Now,
Jim
Karen, if you were here I’d give you a hug and hope your skin wasn’t crawling with discomfort. You’re so strong. I have no doubt that you can overcome this. I’m not one for group think either, but I don’t think you realize just how far you have come. You’re talking about it, you’re inspiring others, and you’re drinking less and less. You have a lot to be proud of. Though you say you’re not healed yet, I think you’re further than you believe.
Maybe AA isn’t inevitable for you. Maybe you’ll find another way. There’s always more than one option. I’d love to help if I can.
Stay strong.
It sounds like you have made more progress than you think. Perhaps you are just going through the process authentically, at your own pace, rather than being “forced” along by AA. I am sure it is possible to make the changes largely on your own, too. Don’t go back if it feels uncomfortable still and you’re still making your own progress. It’s the progress that will matter, not AA itself. That said, going back at some point seems like it could still be useful if it helps show you how far you’ve come on your own. You can do it, you’re already doing it. I wouldn’t get too hung up on whether or not you succeed with or without AA, or how many times you go visit AA. Succeeding is all that matters. Thanks for the inspiration – we all have things that we need to work on at our own pace. Just stay mindful – stay aware, and see the process through.
I wanted to send some hope and encouragement your way.
Even with five years of sobriety, your post takes me right back to feelings I was struggling with in early recovery.
I also had a lot of anxiety about joining AA. As Tom described above, I too grew tired of the war-story swap meetings. I “meeting-shopped” until I found a group that focused on the solution rather than the problem. I knew about drinking, what I did not know was how to live sober AND happy. These AA groups do exist, and I’m lucky to be a member of one.
As far as control, I do not have any control over whether I have an addiction, but I do have control over whether I treat it or not. The main obstacles to doing that for me is fear and bad case of what is described as “terminal uniqueness”. My ego tries to convince me that I am different, when in reality I suffer from the same common fears of every alcoholic. One cliche I have heard around the rooms that I love: “I never gained an ounce of muscle from reading books about weight-lifting; it wasn’t until I started to practice what the words described that I started seeing results.”
Good luck with whatever you decide to do.
Hi Karen,
I don’t know anything about the AA and its functioning. But based on your fear and reluctance to go there, they seem to be doing a good job. Could it be that you are afraid that they can actually help cure your drinking problem? The alcohol is the one thing you feel save with and taking it away, takes away your security. Face your fears brave girl, go there.
good luck,
Paul
Karen.. I found your blog while I was searching for someone, something to help me piece together whether I am an alcoholic. It runs deep in my family, and I know I have a great tendency for it, but most of my life I did not turn to alcohol in times of being down or depressed, but the last year or so, I am at home alone drowning myself. So searching for some answers I found this book, “Eating, Drinking, Overthinking: The Toxic Triangle of Food, Alcohol, and Depression–and How Women Can Break Free”. Author Susan Nolen-Hoeksema
I related to every word of it (listened to the audio version), and I felt so relieved that I was not the only one dealing with this shame and going it alone. It gave me an understanding of what I am doing to myself and how one keeps feeding the other and solutions to help break the cycle.
As I read your fears of attending AA (and don’t blame you) and what all that means, I think this book might be something that you relate to as well?! I hope you find some peace.
vlc
Hi Karen,
I feel your pain, and your frustrations. AA is NOT the only solution. I agree with Karol, if it gives you the creeps, stay away from it. There ARE other perspectives that work wonders too. After 26 years of no desire whatsoever, I can tell you that it may not be easy, as has been mentioned before, but it is easier than you think or fear.
I am only a note or Skype call away. I am MisterWeirdo on Skype.
Karen,
I just happened upon your blog and I have a hard time keeping my mouth shut when people are hurting. I am not an alcoholic but have been affected by it through different relationships as well as having worked with alcoholics, both adults and youth, as a nurse and also youth counselor to juvenile offenders. So I’ve seen alcoholism through many lenses. I can’t say I know what you’re going through but I KNOW FOR SURE that the path you are on leads to death ( physically, spiritually, and mentally ). It’s a strange thing about us humans though, in that even when we know something might lead to something bad or even death, we continue on that path. We do this because we are more AFRAID OF CHANGE than anything else. We remain STUCK because we’d rather “wallow in the mud of life” that we’re familiar with than RISK changing even if we know it leads to A “WONDER-FULL” LIFE! That is why you are uncomfortable in AA. It’s unfamiliar. It means change. It’s a threat to your drinking which you’ve come to depend on. Change is never easy. It is hard. But it CAN be GOOD! I’m praying that you’ll find the COURAGE to go to AA meetings and keep going so you can get well from this disease ( because it IS a dis-ease ). Keep looking for a healthy group that is focusing on moving forward instead of rehashing the past. Don’t ever give up on yourself! God has great plans for your life! You have great things to offer the world and you can do SO MUCH MORE when the alcohol is not controlling your life. And it IS controlling your life even if you’ve cut down on your drinking. I can tell you are a talented and caring person with so much to give. Don’t waste ONE MORE MOMENT living in the “pits” and hurting. Life can be good! And do this for YOURSELF! You’re worth it!
I’m sorry I got so long winded! Contact me if you’d like! Sandy
Hi, Karen. I came across your blog while looking for some information about alcoholism. I am writing a similar blog about my mom (it’s in Russian). She is an alcoholic. I wish I could say she was, but I don’t want to rush things. She has been sober for three years now, but our fight with her drinking lasted over 15 years. The feelings you described in this post are similar to those I experienced when talking to some AA members in my town. My mom refused to visit their meetings, she said, they are like me, they won’t help me. So it took us 15 years to get where we are, we tried many things, and what really worked was nonresistence on her part and love and patience on mine. My story is too long to tell it here. But I am sure that everyone has a chance to find that only way that will bring him or her to recovery. Karen, I think your post can tell a lot to those that are still looking for such a way. So I translated it into Russian and put it on my blog with a link to yours ( I hope, you don’t mind).
Hi Karen. You may want to check out HAMs. http://hamsnetwork.org/
Lots of kind folks there who are very supportive whether your goal is abstinence or moderating your drinking. It is all about finding out what works best for you. Also, you may want to talk to your doctor about some of the pharmacological treatment options. Alcoholism is not just a failure of will, but it’s so villified by our society, I think there’s a mindset that we have to suffer and struggle through recovery to make up for our short-fallings. I don’t think we have to be so hard on ourselves. There are drugs out there like naltrexone and acamprosate that impact the way the brain responds to alcohol.
Hey Karen,
No words of advice here. No opinions. I just want to say that I love you & I continue to be amazed by your strength. I will always be proud of you & glad to have you in my life.
I’m always here–even if it’s just shoulder.
Love,
Dena
We are all beleaguered by problems over which we can’t seem to find any answers. I do believe that one day a cure will come upon to relinquish you of your dilemma. Acknowledging your situation is an excellent step you have made, solutions will come upon as you continue your search. Never give up, this too shall pass.
Karen – another FANID here and apologies in advance about length of this post to all readers – I am almost 3 years sober, now. My heart hurts for you, and rejoices for you. You have a gift to communicate good stuff in entertaining and thoughtful prose. I hope your voice is around for a long while.
I can only share my own experience. I drank until age 38 socially, with some crazy episodes where alcohol was present, but also with some crazy episodes in my life where alcohol was NOT present. I had regularly used alcohol to numb out during hard times, and thought one was born alcoholic and that I was not one (no one in immediate family, able to not drink for months at a time, not a lot of interest in keeping alcohol around the house) and (MISTAKE) therefor could drink as much as I wanted and never become one.
Tragedy struck (lost child/divorce combination). I drank and drank and drank. This time when it was time for me to stop drinking and put it away, I couldn’t. I COULD NOT go 12 hours without drinking at the end. Did I want to be at the liquor store on the way home from work? No. Was there every day, just for enough for that night? Yes.
The Program: at first I got into it total immersion style, setting land-record speed for moving through steps, etc. Then, my second year of not drinking, I took a year off of meetings.
But I didn’t drink. Quality of life? I think it will be better when I more fully surrender to the 12 steps, and I’m a fighter (my mom has the scars, just ask her). Recently I talked to a friend who drinks about maybe drinking again and her emphatic “Do you even realize how much better your quality of life is without alcohol?!” and her disclosure of observations let me see more clearly how the line is saving my ass. As long as I Do Not Cross Over.
Karen, dear, there is only one bright line. And that is not to drink. AA is NOT the only way not to drink, but it is a very consistently successful way to live without drinking. Really live.
Just yesterday I explained amends to a friend who is not alcoholic:
> Quick response while the thoughts are cogent about amends.
>
> Yes I am a good person and I have been through a lot. Drinking was my
> was (one of my ways) of coping with the negative feelings. Two things
> happen when I decides to take the plunge and feel my crap:
> A. I had no place to hide from the crap in the present
> B. I could remember and feel guilt from past crap
>
> When alcohol (or shopping or gambling or drugs or sex) is not there to
> numb out on you (I) need a constructive way to cope. One of the reasons
> 12 step programs are so cliched is because for so many people the steps
> provide a structured and constructive way to soothe a spirit previously
> soothed in other ways.
>
> One of the steps is making amends. Rebalancing the karma as it were.
> The crap that went down w my ex? Entirely as much my fault as hers. In
> fact someday I will make amends to her but amends are not rash
> spontaneous feel-good now, think later indulgences to make me ( or the
> amender) feel better. They are well thought out and often involve
> discussions with the wronged party (and there’s no score card. You can
> barely scratch someone who beat you up but you are responsible for that
> wound you made).
So keep an open heart, my dear. I don’t have years and years of horrible life stories because of my alcoholism. I have 20 pretty good years and 1 or 2 ok years and 1 REALLY CRAPPY SUCKY year. Much easier to remember the 20 easy years. But much more important to remember that if I didn’t quit after the crappy sucky year, I was going to die. Because, I realized the truth drinking had become for me: some part of me wanted to die. And numbing out until I died was a pretty good deal.
You have a voice. Please live. There is hope. Keep exploring. And, every moment that you can, with every tool you find, separate yourself from alcohol.
Jann
Wow, that was a really great post.
I keep checking back here (even though I subscribe) to see the incredible comments that this blog has generated. I am involved in several online sobriety support groups/blogs, and they suit my social style (lone wolf) — I feel all the sense of community and sharing, even though I don’t “know” any of you (in a face-to-face sense), or even know where you ARE (in a geographical sense).
Anyway, Karen, thanks for starting this dialogue, and I’m eager to know how things are working out for you. Meeting or no?
I don’t know if this will help you or not. I too have an addictive personality but AA was not for me. In order to stop smoking after many years of trying and failing, I read a book by Allan Carr and was able to just quit. It was the easiest quitting had ever been. That was in early February and I have not looked back. No desire at all now.
Then I found out that he had a book called ‘ how to control your drinking’. As a daily drinker, I knew that I was getting into real trouble with the bottle. His book insists that you continue drinking until you are finished the book. Eventually I did finish reading it. Very painlessly,I have remained dry since. I do not know if it will work for you or not, but the $16 for the book paid for it self on the first day of not drinking in my case. Good Luck. Email me if you would like to chat more.
Hi There. I stumbled this article. I classify myself as an addict. I attend NA meetings. I have a sponsor that I work steps with.
I understand your hesitation. Sometimes people treat their 12 step groups like a drug or a cult. For some, that is the lesser of two evils. I can’t take that approach personally.
For me the gold of the program is working steps with a sponsor. I view it as a tool in the same way one might view psychology, meditation or mindfulness as a tool.
The thing most people don’t realize is that the steps are a clever way of rewiring the habitual thought patterns of an addict in order to circumvent the addictive way of thinking and acting. It helps to expose the illusory identities and narratives we assign to ourselves. It is a practice aimed at letting go of the ego and forming a healthier view of the “self.”
The problem that arises for addicts is that we develop an extremely pathological view of the “self” and act upon the world as such. The steps and the program seek to bypass this unhealthy view through surrender, looking at patterns of behavior, more surrender, amends for the harm we have caused, yet more surrender and helping others to recover. It serves to arrest the paradoxically self-serving and self-destructive disease mode which causes us to form these twisted views of who ans what we are.
Some folks turn it into the new crack. Some put a Jesus spin on it. Some treat it like a cult. Some use it just for the meetings. There are all sorts of different approaches. Whatever blows your hair back I guess.
I personally tend toward Agnostic, Buddhist and Taoist spiritual views/practices. I use NA l to address my addiction issues. It helps me to not die from drug use and it’s accompanying behavior. It helps me to act from a place of love rather than selfishness. It helps me to release unwanted baggage. I don’t treat it like some sort of cult. I treat it like a tool. No Kool-Aid wanted or needed thanks.
All the Best!
I don’t know about you, but I am pretty heavily involved in AA and I’ve found that questioning various parts of the program has not led me to ostracism. For instance, I take offense to the line “God either is or he isn’t. What was our choice to be?” because most AA members and even regular Joes have days where they completely doubt or deny the existence of God, days where they revel in a spiritual experience, and anywhere in between. These sorts of questions reach Central Office – the GSO is going to publish a book on AA for the Agnostic or Atheist, comprised of the stories of AA members who don’t believe in a “traditional” higher power. Your voice is heard, and you are truly the highest-ranking member in AA as an individual in a group.
Like others have said, are you truly satisfied you are an alcoholic? One way to determine that (in a non-scientific fashion) is by halting all consumption of alcohol for 30 days. If your life gets better, maybe alcohol was your problem. If your life gets worse, then maybe alcoholism is your problem.
My first reading of your blog, I must say it is very scary how closely my thought of your subjects are. I thank you for blogging, it may inspire me to help myself, with issues of drinking and goal procrastinating. Think there is a correlation?Thanks, looking to read more of your blogs.
Hi Karen,
I was searching online for something AA-related and stumbled upon your site. I don’t know you, but I could so relate to your insight and feelings about AA. AA may not be the only solution, but it’s worked for me for the past 15 years. I was agnostic (still am) and ready to walk away when I saw the word “God” but it was explained to me that religion is irrelevant in AA – so true. Organized religion has always been a turn-off – I couldn’t buy into it if my life depended on it – and I don’t have to.
I went to rehab and AA at age 26, then relapsed. Started thinking maybe it was all a mistake, just a bad habit. Ha. I realize now how crazy my thinking was – normal drinkers don’t voluntarily check themselves into alcohol rehab! Anyway, my relapse convinced me 100% that I was an alcoholic, and I came back at age 27 for good, hopefully.
I didn’t think AA would work, and I didn’t believe in the promises. I just wanted to NOT drink. I was prepared to be a martyr and watch the clock, bored and sober, for the rest of my life.
I didn’t necessarily think AA was cultish, because I didn’t see anyone getting rich, but thought it might be a pyramid scheme. Otherwise, why was everyone so nice? Maybe they get credit for “recruiting” people. Ha. They don’t. But I was very, very skeptical. I haven’t found that it requires me to adopt a certain set of beliefs. I don’t necessarily buy into everything I hear in AA either. Not sure if I believe in the “disease” concept of alcoholism. I analyzed and re-analyzed and overanalyzed and finally got tired of thinking and realized – to me, it doesn’t matter what alcoholism is – disease, addiction, affliction, allergy – all I need to know is that (1) Whatever alcoholism is, I have it, and (2) AA works for me.
So you can always give it a shot. I’ve heard that AA isn’t for people who need it, or even people who want it – it’s for people who do it. One day at a time … another cheesy slogan but it actually helps sometimes. If AA doesn’t work and your life doesn’t get better, you can always stop. Meditation helps greatly with anxiety. Some people use alcohol to self-medicate for depression/anxiety, so you may need outside help also (I do). My other recommendation (although you may not be looking for suggestions – sorry) would be to do what is suggested as far as working the steps, getting into service, getting a sponsor. Anyway, best of luck to you whatever and whenever you decide. C.C.
Dear Karen,
Im 24 and i’ve been sober for 1 year. I thought i wasn’t “bad enough” because i didn’t lose the “husband, job, home,etc,” but i didnt have ANY of those things because of my drinking. getting sober is tough, but the results are amazing. I wish more people could have your experience and let AA carry them through a difficult process to a better life.
Thanks for writing this.
I really hope you give it another try. No one just stumbles into an aa meeting.
First of all I want to congratulate you on cutting down on your drinking. That is an extremely hard thing to do and I admire your courage and determination. You know you have a problem and you are taking action to address it.
Like you I have mixed feelings re AA. I attended AA meetings for 18 months in the early stages of my recovery. I went to AA to seek support in my sobriety, not to embrace a quasi-religious community. Many aspects of the meetings made me feel deeply uncomfortable, however by making good choices of who I interacted with and which meetings I attended I did find some very kind and encouraging people.
I never did get round to doing the steps although occasionally I took on service work. As time went by my confidence in my own judgment increased, I went back to work and I was able to build a strong network of support outside of AA. At this point I chose to leave the fellowship. I saw very little personal development and progression of individuals within the organisation and a lot of repetitive behaviour and looking to the past.
I cannot say what is right for you. Only you can and you seem to be making very good decisions. For me keeping AA purely as a support network (which is what I wanted it to be in the first place) worked. I deliberately distanced myself from the spiritual element of the program as at the end of the day I truly believe that only I can take responsibility for my drinking.
I wish you well in your recovery, it takes time, it takes effort but it is worth it!