I always want to know more. I want to learn more. I want to do better. I want to be better. I’m not progressing fast enough.

But sometimes you have to stop, and look back and realize you’ve come along way. Today, June 8th, I turn 27.

And I’ve come a long way.

Thanks to the inspiration from Karol, Baker, Glen, and Mary (among many others), I’m taking this opportunity to follow suit and celebrate my 27th birthday by reflecting on what I know is true.

(Note: Many of these lessons have been acquired from other sources along my journey, and are not original thoughts.)

1. The first pancake always turns out badly.

27. There is only fear, and love. And one of them is way more fun.

Thank you to every person I love, have taught me something, or encouraged me along the way. I have been blogging for almost exactly one year now, and it’s been the best year of my life. Thanks for joining me.

How do you know what parts of yourself to embrace, and what you should strive to change?

This subject brings me back to a consistent struggle I have with myself. I suck at consistency.

I am consistently inconsistent.

For the past few years, I am in a regular struggle with myself to be more consistent. My personality thrives on extremes. I naturally get really excited about something, and immerse myself in whatever project I am working on. I dive into things that I am passionate about, and then the excitement fades and I get bored and move on to the next project. A lot of the time I go back to projects that I deem necessary for my progress and life (mostly health and money related), but I am unable to develop consistency.

I wonder what part of it is just my natural personality, my Gemini nature, and if I should just embrace it as who I am. Yet, I see consistency as the epitome of maturity. Mature adults are consistent in their actions. And I lack that.

I wish to blog regularly. But for the past two weeks, I just haven’t felt like blogging. Should I force myself to change this, or should I just go with what works for me? Right now I write when I feel inspired and want to blog. I wish I could write twice a week, but it I start to resent it when blogging begins to feel like homework, and it’s forced.

Yet, for this past year, I have blogged pretty damn consistently. I have written at least once a week, except for a few couple week periods. Consistency seems to come easily in things I love.

I consistently drink coffee. I consistently use my computer, and check certain websites. I consistently use Twitter. I consistently hang out with my brother.

With things I love, consistency comes easily.

I want to consistently eat healthy. I want to consistently exercise. I want to consistently track my spending, and budget my money. I want to consistently clean, do laundry, and organize my surroundings.

I do love those things, but not all the time. The past two weeks, I’ve been trying to eat healthier, exercise, and track my spending. Perhaps I need to be easier on myself, and realize that there’s been a lot of progress. This is partially a battle with perfectionism, and viewing the world in black and white. Perhaps it’s a struggle with being more mindful, and just focusing on what you are doing right. now.

I think consistency is the key to success. I think people that do the right things consistently are successful.

People that consistently eat healthy and exercise are healthy and lose weight.

People that consistently track their spending and budget are financially responsible.

I think that life’s ups and downs are natural. Things ebb and flow. Maybe my battle is not so much in being consistent, but embracing what IS. I truly believe that unhappiness lies in living in the “shoulds”, yet that hasn’t stopped me from constantly struggling to how I think I “should” be.

Maybe life just isn’t consistent, and I need to accept that.
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I’ve been thinking a lot about how much I’m resisting going back to AA. Resisting is exactly the word for it. For months, I have been making excuses to myself about why I don’t want to go back. Excuses. Which are rooted in fear.

I just started reading this beautiful book called Terry by George McGovern. He was a senator who wrote this wonderful and tragic book about the life and death of his alcoholic daughter, Terry. After a life long battle with the disease, he was informed on his doorstep late one night by two cops that his daughter was dead. She stumbled out of a bar in Minnesota into a snow drift while very drunk, and passed out and froze to death.

The story breaks my heart. I am surprised that I relate to almost every word about this woman.

This scares me. I am not that bad. I could never die from drinking. I am not really that flawed, but I just need to stop drinking because my family wants me to.

That’s what I have been telling myself lately. And it scares me.

I am having such a conflict with this whole alcoholism thing since I stood up and announced to the world last November that I have. Since then, I have dramatically reduced my drinking, but by no means stopped 100%.

I know I should. I know I’m “supposed” to. I know I could get in “trouble” for drinking, or disappoint many people in my life because of it. Yet, I continue to drink, just on a much reduced level, and hide it much better.

This scares me. My love for the alcohol, and the fact that it runs so deep, and risks so much scares me. I only drink alone now. And it pretty much sucks. I don’t have that denial so much anymore that used to cushion me from I feeling the guilt and paranoia and shame. And then I feel stupid after the fact. Maybe it’s because I know I’m sick. It’s no fun. Yet I still crave it, and fantasize about being able to run away to an island where no one knows my alcoholic history, and I can drink socially again.

So I’m resisting AA. I think I’ve become what they call a ‘dry drunk’. I’ve pretty much stopped drinking, except once every few weeks or so. But nothing is cured in me. I worry that nothing is changed. Nothing is healed.

I’ve been reading books about alcoholism for the past few months. I’ve been devouring them. I’ve embraced the fact that I am an alcoholic. I’m not really even ashamed to say it to most people. I am such an alcoholic that it’s impossible to deny. But I’m still resisting healing myself.

Part of me is in love with alcohol. Part of me loves the escape, and the ultimate anti-anxiety and sleeping pill that it is. It’s the only thing that shuts off my over active brain.

So, I guess I am overwhelmed with the thought that I have such a long way to go in this journey. I will stop drinking 100% and attend AA regularly (it’s really inevitable, but I’m working on indefinitly postponing my active participation in it) but right now I really don’t want to go back.

I’m resisting “drinking the koolaid”. I’m afraid that AA has all of the aspects that I despise about organized religion- groupthink without questioning, chants and rituals.

I’m worried that I will go back, and never learn to like it, and it won’t work for me. And then what am I going to do.

I’m pretty certain about a few things: I’m an alcoholic. I need more support and help from others to get better. I am really sick in my head, genetically and physiologically I am made up to be addicted to something. I don’t know how to do this on my own. This much I know is true.

And AA says it’s exactly for people like me. They told me to “keep coming back” over and over again. They forced me into hugs while my skin was crawling with discomfort, and I just was trying to slip out the back door. They all repeat these phrases, that maybe annoy me so much because I know they are true. Maybe I don’t want to join the group of these obnoxiously happy recovered folks, who make me stand up in front of groups exactly like I hate and dread. So I’m procrastinating being a part of AA. I fear that I will become like one of them, yet I know I am already one of them, and I also crave that belonging and oneness that they all annoyingly preach about.

I worry that if I begin to charge into recovery, it will consume me. I fear that I will turn AA into my new drug. I fear that I’ll never develop friendships, and never fit in, eternally be the new, uncomfortable kid. I’m so sick of thinking of every negative possible outcome, and not really believing that anything good will every happen. I believe in positivity. I believe in not complaining. But sometimes at the root of it, I don’t believe that I deserve good things to happen to me or that they ever will. I’m not sure why I am resisting life so much, but I know I need to figure out a different game plan to get better and be better than I am today.

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After a long week of being laid up and sick for most of the time, I was ready for something to rejuvenate me. I needed something to make me feel better, after such a non-productive week. So yesterday, I impulsively decided on going to get a facial.

This is a rare occurrence because I have a hard time justifying spending so much money on myself. But, since Uncle Sam was nice enough to make a little deposit in my bank account after filing my taxes, I figured it was the perfect time to do some much needed pampering.

They fit me in within the hour and I struggled to motivate to get myself out of the house for the first time in a few days. A little older Asian woman greeted me at the spa, and welcomed me into a dark, quiet room in the back.

She turned on the classical music, and took one look at my face and said, “Hmm… you have very sensitive skin, and break out on your forehead, around your nose, and on your chin. Your combination sensitive and dry skin need a special treatment.” Hearing her diagnosis comforted me, with her strong, calm energy and motherly way. It wasn’t exactly rocket science what she had just told me, but just decided to relax and let her do what she wanted instead of over analyze how she wasn’t right.

The steam blew over my face, and she propped up the wand so that it angled down to my forehead. She took out her little tools, and sponges and began rubbing and scrubbing like she had done it a million times. Because she had.

For the first few minutes she was quiet, and then began talking about how I was breaking out in certain areas. I continued casual conversation, and asked her what she recommended to treat this reoccurring problem.

She said that healthy skin starts from within. After she went through her up-sell, about how I should come back every two weeks to do her special treatment, she began to get more spiritual.

I agreed and said that I stressed out too much. In broken English she corrected me like a caring mother, “Why you stress out? You too young, and pretty to worry about anything.” I argued with her in my head, thinking how I have this issue, and that to worry about. Until I realized that she was right.

For the next 45 minutes, she told me the secrets of her life wisdom. I had no idea that I would have the blessing of a wise sage to show up in my life, when I was simply going to have a simple, self-indulgent beauty treatment done.

She went on to tell me that you have a choice where to put your energy. If you stress out over little things and let yourself become angered by a speeding ticket, or a rude person then you use up your energy on the negative. Everyone is rushing around and exhausted these days, she told me. Because we put our energy in the wrong place. You have to conserve it, and use it on the good things in life. It’s a choice.

She told me that she lives with an attitude of being happy and grateful for everything. Every good or bad thing in life she encounters with a smile, and is grateful. That way you don’t use up you energy being upset, rushing around and stressing out.

Maybe this woman could be my cure for acne, to make up for all my orders for Proactive that never followed through with their healing claims.

I smiled as I listened to her for the rest of my treatment, because she was so right. She had better advice than all the self improvement books I’ve ever read, and was more authentic because she lived it. Wisdom exists in everyday life, especially when you are least expecting it.

I thanked her for the treatment, and her wonderful advice, and booked my appointment to see her in two weeks.

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I just had an interesting conversation with Derek, from the new website  Social Triggers. He started a new website that combines two of my loves: online business and human psychology.

Social psychology fascinates the hell out of me. Figuring out why people do what they do makes me endlessly curious. It’s a subject that many people try to answer, but few can figure out. The topic of my own motivation is something that is elusive, and ever frustrating. What makes us start new good habits, and leave old one behind?

Derek explores motivation as it relates to online marketing. Good marketing is based in tapping into people’s motivations, and making them do what you want. Succeeding at self improvement uses the same human psychology tactics, except turned inward: getting yourself to do what you want. I’m having a little trouble with the later.

He was nice enough to take the time to answer a few of my questions, and his answers enlightened me. I hope his insights can teach you somethings as well…

1. What inspires you most?

Inspiration is a funny to me. Some people believe it’s an “aha!” moment, but I find that I’m most inspired after I do a ton of research. The more information available, the easier it is to come up with great ideas.

2. What two qualities do you think are key to having a successful blog?

4.  What is the best lesson you have learned from blogging?

My best lesson came in 2007. I got a huge influx of traffic (more than 1 million unique hits in 7 days). Instead of trying to convert that traffic into regular email subscribers, I overloaded my site with ads. Sure, I made a lot of money, but it killed long-term growth.
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Derek Halpern writes over at Social Triggers about the human psychology behind marketing. If you like what you’ve read, consider subscribing to his blog , or go follow him on Twitter.

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I’m in a funk. I just realized that I’ve been in a really negative today. So negative in fact that I am even annoying myself. I’m just grumpy for no reason, and have a crappy attitude.

I’m in a funk because the negative attitude is disproportionate to what’s going on in my life. I don’t have too much of a reason to be in a bad mood. I’ve had a great weekend. Been productive, got to sleep in, and had some good things happen. Yet I’m still crabby.

So here’s a list of things that can snap you out of the bad mood that mysteriously plops itself down in your path from time to time. (And no, it doesn’t say the usual: Go exercise. That one’s obvious, and for me it’s hard to motivate to exercise when I’m in a funk.)

1. Take a shower or a bath.

You never really feel worse after taking a shower. It makes you feel refreshed, more awake, which in turn brightens the mood. Or get a good book and soak in a hot bath. Force yourself to ease your tensions with a steamy shower.

2. Eat Chocolate.

Break out the chocolate bar and have a snack. It is proven to have anti-depressive effects, and simply tastes damn good.

3. Do your make up or do something to make yourself look better.

I feel better when I look better. When you are in a funk, you’re probably laying around the house in pajamas, being lazy. After you take a shower, put on make up. Even if you aren’t going anywhere, put on clean clothes  and spruce up your appearance a bit.

4. Be around people that love you.

It’s hard to be negative around people that love you, and show it. You can try, but making yourself be with loved ones reminds you how lucky you are to have good family or friends.

5. Be around people that make you laugh.

I’m lucky that my family makes me laugh. During Easter, we were all cracking each other up so much that we were crying, and unable to eat. The food got cold because our silliness lasted so long. Last week I was laughing so hard at work that I snorted. It’s hard to be upset when you are snorting.

6. Write.

Sit down for 15 minutes and write about everything that is stressing you out or bringing you down. Get it out, feel it, and think about it. Then let it go. Sometimes we feel worse because something is wrong, but we keep going on and try to ignore it. Writing is so therapeutic, and makes you realize things that you never would have if you didn’t get it out out of your head and on to paper.

7. Go to bed early.

Just like it’s okay to be in a bad mood sometimes, it’s also okay to not be able to snap out of it. Accept that you are having a bad day and just go to bed early. Get some extra sleep, and remember that tomorrow will be better. Most of the time, I wake up in a great mood just as mysteriously as I slipped into a funk.

8. Be grateful.

Shift your negative focus. Write down five things that you are grateful for right now. Or make a list of as many as you can think of. Even if you aren’t in a positive mood, there is always something to be grateful for.

9. Make a play list of happy music.

Carol King just told me I’m beautiful. Playing this song on repeat works wonders. Make a play list of only upbeat music, and play it loud.

10. Clean up for 15 minutes.

Tidy up your surroundings. Set a timer for short period of time, and do a minimal clean up. Your house is always more depressing to be in when it’s messy or unorganized. It doesn’t take very long to do a little clean up, and has a big influence on mood.

In the past couple hours, I’ve taken a shower, and done my hair and make up. Carol King is telling me I’m beautiful and I’m munching on some chocolate. I’m about to get dressed and go out to dinner with some friends and family who love me and make me laugh. That should do the trick.
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I have a list of goals.

I have a list in the memo section of my Blackberry, and it’s titled APRIL 2008!!! It’s capitalized, and has a lot of exclamation points. Apparently, I was excited when I wrote it. But, I wasn’t sufficiently motivated.

Because I have the same list of goals, three years later. My 2010 resolutions were almost identical.

My April 2008 list reads:

• No soda
• No alcohol
• No fried food
• No white flour
• No fast food
• Drink 2 liters of water a day
• Keep track of every penny spent/ and earned
• Keep food journal for everything eaten
• Eat fresh fruits and veggies

My goals for 2010 are:

• Be sober
• Blog.
• Save. Be financially responsible.
• Exercise and eat healthy.
• Simplify and declutter.
• Learn to meditate.
• Write, write, and write.

The April 2008 list amazingly resembles my 7 Day Challenge written in July of 2009.

And I still have the same list of goals. I still want to achieve them all, and for some reason I have it stuck in my head that if only I live this way, then I will be happy.  I know that this thinking is my first problem.

But, why haven’t I achieved them?

I’m not so sure. I’m finding that this blog is become a place for me to ask questions, instead of give the answers. I’m hoping that once I can properly define the questions, and present them in a concrete, public way, the answers will reveal themselves to me. Or the answers will come in the form of fabulous comments from anyone reading this.

You’ll never find any answers unless you start asking questions.

I keep hearing Dr. Phil in my head, every time I do something that I know I shouldn’t do, saying “How’s that workin’ for you?”. And apparently it is working for me,otherwise I wouldn’t be doing it. I think the reason that we continue any behavior that we know we shouldn’t do, is because the payoff is greater to continue than the pain it takes to stop.

No matter how much I think about losing weight, exercising more, and saving more money, the reality is that the McDonald’s tastes damn good. Starbucks in the morning is more important to me than the long term pay off of saving the $5.50 every morning. No matter how embarrassing it is to admit my own lack of self discipline, and failure to achieve my goals, the reality is that I’m not succeeding. Something is stopping me from following through, day after day, month after month, and now year after year. And I’m not sure what it is.

But I have a feeling I’m not sufficiently motivated.

Take being late for example. Some people are chronically late. We all know these people. You don’t expect them for a party until an hour after they say they will be there. You don’t feel pressured to leave the house on time when meeting them for dinner, because you know they won’t be there on time.

The psychology behind lateness fascinates me. I’ve read how it is the ultimate selfish behavior because it put out an impression that the world revolves around you. It effects everyone around you when you are late.  It’s a choice to be consistently late. It’s really a choice to be consistently anything- negative or positive.

I used to be consistently late. Averaging about 15 minutes late a day. God know why my previous jobs didn’t fire me. I really believed that I tried to be on time. I wanted to be on time. I stressed out when I was late. Yet, the behavior continued. For some reason, I got more pay off from hitting my snooze button one more time, than arriving to work on time. Back then, I had a hangover every morning, and was much more depressed, but regardless of these factors, I chose to be late. The payoff I was getting in being late was more than the consequences.

This got me thinking. Now, this is a morbid and random metaphor but for some reason it makes sense to me. If someone that you loved would be killed if you were ever late to your job, you would never be late again. You would be sufficiently motivated.

You would leave hours ahead of time, and leave more than enough time to arrive way before you needed to be there. You would remove whatever obstacle you have ever had to arriving on time- hitting the snooze button again, losing your keys, traffic. You would be sufficiently motivated to not be late.

It’s not rocket science, but for some reason this analogy made sense to me.

I’m hoping that analyzing why I was able to change a defective and negative past behavior will be the key to changing other behaviors that I am having trouble changing. And in doing so, I’ve realized that I just need to be sufficiently motivated.

At my current job, I am not late. For some reason, this behavior in my life has changed from the person I was three years ago. Sure, many circumstances are different. It helps not to wake up with a hangover, and not have to commute as far to work.

Now, the question is how do you become sufficiently motivated?
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So I’m kind of ridiculously happy about projects that I’ve been working on.  Almost deliriously happy like this dog.

This past week I went a little mad. I started two new websites.

I’m so excited about them, that I had to share.  I don’t take my happiness for granted, ever, because it’s not always there. So when it is there, I want to shout about it from the rooftops.  But I’ll just settle for talking about it on here instead.  Less of a climb.

I used to think that people who started 2nd blogs were nuts. I thought that maintaining one successful blog was damn near impossible enough. Having two means that each site has less of your attention.

So I decided to have three.

The names popped into my head as I was trying to fall asleep at night. I had to just go with it. I’m breaking all my own rules, and I couldn’t be more excited about it.

This first blog is going to be health related. I have wanted and needed to get into better shape for quite a while. I need to exercise more and lose weight. So, I’m going to incorporate my love for writing and blogging to motivate myself. It will also incorporate my recent obsession with eating organic, sustainable, and humanely treated animals.

So, I give you: Getting Rid of My Double Chin.

It’s just a shell of a website at the moment, without any posts. But future posts will include:

• Healthy eating recipes that I enjoy
• Organic and local eating adventures (such as visiting local farms… I went to my first one yesterday!!)
• Research based articles about environmental issues, humane animal treatment, and how I am trying to change my behavior
• Weekly health challenges
• Weekly record of my weight loss progress (this one scares me to admit the numbers, but the accountability of it is great.)

Then, as I began to start this new site, I realized I have a new passion: learning to be more techie. Since starting this site last June, I have basically taught myself everything from online resources.  I’m naturally technically challenged, but with a lot of patience I am able to teach myself.  I love learning.  I’m insatiably curious.

So I am going to write down every, little thing that I teach myself.  I learn best by writing or typing out what I am learning, so this new blog is a space that I am talking to myself.  It is a reference of little things that I learn, organized in a way that is easily accessible. For this past year, since diving into the online world of blogging, I have met some awesome technically brilliant people whom make me jealous of their nerdiness. I aspire to be nerdier. I want to understand more about creating websites, coding, HTML, and using Thesis.

So I have decided to become Nerdier Today Than Yesterday. I have the over ambitious goal of learning and blogging a new tip almost every day.

The topics will surround:

• Firefox/PC tricks
• WordPress and Thesis customization
• Blogging or making money online
• HTML
• Anything that I learn that relates to computers, website development, and design.

I was emailing recently with a friend of mine who maintains multiple successful websites. I was asking her advice on starting a 2nd site, because I was having doubt about if it was a good idea. She said something that had an impact on me. She said that she blogs every day, on one of her sites, and its just a habit now to blog about everything in her life. I know that sounds INSANE to most of the non-blogging people that may read this, but I now have those aspirations.

I want to blog about something every day. I’ve tapped into new passions, in health, self development, and now learning to be more techie.

When getting rid of a negative habit, you have to fill that hole with something. I’m choosing to fill the hole with writing, blogging, and learning.  And I’m ridiculously excited about it.
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Leo Babauta is a God. A blogging God. Okay, maybe I’m being a little over dramatic… but the guy has definitley been a big inspiration to me. He’s about addicted to self improvement, as I have been to other things. Except his addiction is a fine one to have.

Blogging is something that I have discovered in the past year as a new passion for me. It excites me. It motivates me. It fascinates me. It is an opportunity for anyone that is willing to put in the effort to utilize blogging as a creative outlet, a self published writing platform, a small business opportunity, or simply way to express yourself and connect with like minded people. You blogging goals can range from wanting to connect more with your family in another state to creating an entrepreneurial empire. Leo Babauta chose the later.

And, he’s just a plain nice guy. He’s someone that you can tell walks his talk. He doesn’t just preach self improvement, he lives it. Integrity is so refreshing.

Leo was nice enough to let me pick his brain with a couple of my burning questions. Here’s what he had to say.

1. What inspires you most?

Other people following their dreams and doing amazing things. I love reading books, magazine articles, and blogs about people who are creating, getting fit, writing brilliantly, simplifying their lives, making something new and exciting, reaching goals.

And of course, there are people like this in my own life: my wife Eva, my sister Kat, my mom Shannon, friends and family who daily give me the inspiration to keep doing my own thing.

2. What two qualities do you think are key to having a successful blog?

You have to post regularly (not necessarily daily but at least weekly) and you have to post really good content. Stuff that helps people, that has the reader’s needs as its primary target, that shows how to succeed at whatever the reader is interested in.

It helps to be a good writer, to be able to express yourself and your ideas clearly and interestingly. But there are all kinds of people who are writing excellent blogs, and most didn’t start out as writers.

3. What piece of advice would you give to someone that wants to become self employed by following their passion?

Do it. Start now — don’t put it off until next year. Start by reading about it, researching it, getting inspired by others who are doing it, learning about what steps they took. Then start doing it. You can start in small steps, doing it before and after your regular job, and slowly learning the ropes and mastering it. Or you can take a plunge and quit your day job and just do it full time.

Also, reduce your income by simplifying your life and finances. By reducing your needs, you’ll reduce the amount of income you need to succeed as an entrepreneur. Then, when you hit that lower target, you can be self-sustaining and continue to grow.

4. What is the best lesson you have learned from blogging?

It’s helped tremendously with introspection. When you blog, you’re forced to take a closer look at your life, to see what you’re doing right and what you’re doing wrong. You start to question “why”. You step back and take a big-picture look at everything, and then you look at the details. It’s been a fascinating experience. I recommend it to anyone.
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You can check out Leo’s blog Zen Habits here, follow him on Twitter, (or me! ). Thank you Leo, for taking the take to answer my questions.

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Death is an odd thing.  It’s hard to wrap your brain around the idea that someone just stops existing.  No matter how expected their death is, it’s still just an odd concept.  Whether or not you believe in religion or an after life,  the reality is that you will never see someone again in this life after they are die.  It’s so final.

My Grandmother died last Tuesday.  My Mom wrote it on her calendar on the day, “mom died”. 

I thought that was weird, but who am I to judge someone about what they want to do when their mother dies.  My mom writes everything on her calendar.  In addition to doctor’s appointments and birthdays she writes random life events.  It still was a bit disturbing to look at her calendar the other day and see “mom died”. Like she needed to write it there to make it real.

Death is so personal.  We tip toe around people who have lost someone, and try to find just the right words to say, even though the right words never seem to exist.  “I’m so sorry.”  “My condolences.” “She’s in a better place.”  They all seem so inadequate, so fake.  Even when I have said them to other people.  It’s like you need to fill the silence, even though it’s obvious that whatever words you chose will not be enough.

My Mom texted me while I was at work last Tuesday morning and said that her Mom had died.  We later laughed that she told me that way, because that was the same strange way that she found out the news.  It was an accident, but her cousin texted her from England, thinking that she already knew and said “I’m so sorry about your mum.”, when she didn’t know yet.  My aunt, my mom’s sister was stuck in traffic on Tuesday morning and trying to drive over to my mom’s house to tell her the news in person when she got home from working the night shift at her hospital.  The miscommunications, and incredible advancements in technology ended up being a downfall. I bet the people that invented text messaging didn’t think that someone might accidentally hear that their mom died this way.

I saw the news and it took my breath away.  I literally couldn’t breath for a moment at my desk, my throat closed up and I had to consciously focus on breathing. I ran outside and called my mom, but then didn’t really say anything once she picked up. I would never be able to see her again.  That’s all that went through my mind.  I could never visit her again. It was so selfish really. Death doesn’t have much to do about the person that dies. It’s more about what they leave behind. It’s just so final.

She was 92 and lived in England.  My brother and I called her Grandma from England.  It was a title that was practical, because it distinguished which Grandma we were talking about and then it turned into her name.  We called her that in person and she signed our birthday cards that way.  She was the most stubborn little woman I’ve ever met.  She never complained about a thing, and did her best effort to not have anyone make a fuss over her nor ask anyone for help.  This because sad and unrealistic after her macular degeneration caused near blindness in her later years. 

She had a love for crosswords, poetry, books and knowledge. I think she is a big part of where I get my love of the written word, and my silly sense of humor.  The last memory I have of her visiting the US a few years ago was her putting a tea cozy on her head and putting her chin on the coffee table to be silly.  At 88.

I was fortunate enough to go to England last March.  Exactly a year ago this week, I was able to spend what I knew was the last time with her.  Her brain wasn’t the same.  She couldn’t remember what we had for lunch in the same day, but her sweet, stubborn, loving self was still in tact. She was tired.  Her body was thin and feeble.  I could tell that 92 years of a mostly not easy life had made her tired.  It was a kind of tired that no amount of sleep can extinguish.

I am so grateful that I got to see her last year, and visit her in England for one last time. I am sad that I will never be able to again. Death is a funny thing, and something so immensity personal that you only really know how you will deal with it once it’s handed to you. All I know is that I am grateful that her tired body doesn’t have to struggle anymore to get out of bed every day, and I am grateful for every moment and memory that I have because of knowing her.